{un-pinterestly perfect}

If you walked into our house today {or pretty much any day lately} you would be pleasantly {or unpleasantly} surprised.

There is nothing perfect or put together about our home or life right now.

We have a dishwasher that seems to be constantly filled with clean dishes awaiting a long, angry line of hard-crusted on food smeared dishes and utensils on the counter. The kitchen floor is {thankfully} dark colored stone, so you will never be shocked by how truly dirty it is. And please, if you don't mind, don't peek in the oven, ok? The poor thing smokes up every time we fire it up for another frozen pizza.

When you make your way through the dining room/pile everything here room your eyes will be overwhelmed by the broken pieces of crayons, unfinished art projects and random piles of my eBay sales that cover at least half the table.

And if you make it past all of that, the living room and toy room will swallow you whole :) The Christmas tree is currently the pinnacle of both of these rooms, bent limbs, broken ornaments and goofy tilt- it really is a sight to behold. Definetly not something I would pin on pinterest for your inspiration ;) But, it is perfect for our ragamuffin family.

For a long time I have used the imperfections of our home as reasons to not have a friend over or as an excuse to stay home and "pick up." But, if I keep using that one it will make for a very lonely next few years ;)

And it's not just the imperfections of my home, but those insecurities of how that defines me. If my home is not always clean, decorations not perfect and updated, furniture free of stains....what does that say about the kind of mom or person I am? Well, truthfully not much.

And I forget that. I forget that none of that matters and that looking beyond the imperfections and the messes in life is how you connect. It's real. It's in the mess and the hard stuff that life blooms. Life happens in our house, non-stop.

And all that description above is proof. It says raising kids is tough, it is all consuming and comes before everything else. It says, hey look, my life is just like yours. I can not keep up with the laundry, the cleaning, the looking fashionable and give my all to my kids. I can not keep my life and lay it down for another, it just doesn't work like that. Where there is a give, there is a take. Where there is imperfection, there is beauty.

My life will never be Pinterest perfect, and I'm okay with that. I'll take the real life mess over the false cover of perfection any day.

So, come on over, but watch where you step ;)

Invite someone over today, be spontaneous and forget about what "needs" to get done first- I promise you the gift of sharing your life "as is" will always outweigh any momentary "oohs and ahhs" over how clean or beautiful your home is.

{the winter blues}

A combination of the insanely cold Wisconsin weather & the little babe brewin' in the womb has turned me into some kind of hermit.

It was Wedneaday morning when I looked at my kids who were bouncing off the walls and going on their fourth day in pj all day mode that I realized an extreme case of winter blues had already set in.

Yuck. 

There are so many things I love about winter, but every year I seem to settle into an anti social mid winter slump. This year it consumed me much earlier and somewhat by surprise. The long days of pregnancy nausea had worn me down sooner than usual... And my poor kids had been dragged down with me.

I examined the mess that was our house...a sippy cup bomb trap, crusty banana goo on the rug, abandoned mini socks and enough toys to choke an elephant. Normally, I would use this mess as an excuse to not leave the house, but today I knew I had to leave it to it's own issues and get OUT and into the world despite feeling like the most sea sick ship mate of them all.

The kids eyes lit up like heaven had come to earth when I told them we were going grocery shopping. They were more than happy to get out of their footie jammies and into the last clean pair of clothes to their name ( did I mention we seriously have a mountain of laundry that nearly reaches the tips of my ears?!) No one even fussed at the act of getting strapped into their car seats, you know they have not left the house in ages when this happens.... Or when your three year old says "mom, we are the pirates who don't go anywhere!" Every five minutes while playing all day "ships and pirates."

As I cruised down the highway into the bustling city of Madiosn I started to question my sanity....was it really a good idea to take my 1 yr old twins and 3 yr old shopping by myself?! And as I pulled into the parking lot of the Co Op my hands started to sweat. I will say the act of getting everyone into the store was nothing short of miraculous, I will spare you to gorey details.

Once in the crowed, narrow isles of the Co Op, with one kid strapped to me, one in the cart and one wondering around willy-nilly I realized this could go either really well or really wrong. It was amazing how many wide eyed looks I got, how many people parted the way as we passed, and how much compassion was poured out on me with a few simple smiles and the picking up of produce that my children hurled. Being back out in the world of the living was like a big hug.

After we finished our assault on the isles of the grocery store we settled in to the cute little cafe area complete with a kids play area. We parked out there for nearly an hour. Even when tragedy seemed to have struck in the moment Judah announced he had to "pop turds"- a kind older lady offered to keep an eye on my massive mounds of grocerys and stuff so I could corral all three kids to the bathroom without causing obscene amounts of chaos. 

And that is how something as simple and terrifying as going to the grocery store mended my winter heart. If a case of the winter blues has already set in for you and it just feels easier to stay home, GET OUT! Get out and remind yourself that even in these cold days there is warmth in the company of even complete strangers. Life is moving and going despite the bleakness of the earth right now. It doesn't take much to refresh your soul in something simple and every day.

{And Baby Makes....6?!?!}

Turns out we like being tired, crazy exhausted and tested to our level of sanity ;) Yup, baby number 4 will be showing up on the scene sometime around July 9th ( which just so happens to be my best buds birthday!)

If you do the math right, that will leave us with 4 kids 4 and under in the blazing summer heat this summer :) That is one scenario I never imagined, but I think we are up for the job....

If you wondered or noticed I have been missing from the internet world lately, it is because our new little bean has been making me feel not so great. But, thankfully I think we are on the up swing of feeling yucky :) 

Oy, pregnancy can be beasty, but I believe ( based on past experieces) that it is worth it in 1000 bouts of nausea, headaches and general uncomfortableness :) I have been trying not to complain too much, but my dear husband has been very sweet and let me whine a fair amount. What a man.

The boys are beyond thrilled and Judah has already chosen the beautiful, gender neutral name of Rocket Johson for the babe to be. So sweet. And little Will has been marching around the house with his baby doll in his backpack for days. Ry on the other hand is not so sure he wants to share his mama yet, he keeps saying to my  tummy " no baby." Hahah! 

And yes, I know you are thinking " I bet you are hoping this one is a girl!"- but, no I  am actually terrified of a girl. What do you do with a daughter?! I have no clue. I forgot how to play girly stuff in all these years of trucks and smashing things. Whatever we have will be awesome and challenging in it's own way....can you imagine four boys under four?! This is shaping up to be terrifying whichever way you look at it :)

A few pictures of our lil' kumquat ( baby's size fruit equivalency right now!)

{Choosing Joy}

I've been in a funk the past week, just feeling generally overwhelmed and grumpy and sorry for myself.

It's a kind of slow fade for me-one day I am pushing through the exhaustion and the next I give in just once to feeling "sorry" for myself and it is all down hill from there.

Day by day I let go of the sweet, simple joys that have kept me going and instead choose to let the negatives define my mood. And eventually I find myself here, feeling like staying in my pajamas all day and not getting out in the big, beautiful world where it's hard.

Being joyful, it's a choice. A choice that needs to be made new every day. 

Choosing the good thing usually means choosing the hard thing, the thing that goes against our very own selfish inner drive. 

Choosing joy usually means choosing others before me.

Choosing joy means giving of yourself when you feel like you have nothing left to give.

It means starting over again and giving yourself grace- new every day.

It is always a choice.

I forget that so often, that despite what is happening around me, I get to choose my response and my attitude.

My husband is such a strength for me in this- he wakes up every day choosing joy and choosing to see today as the gift that it is. He is so paitent with me in my wavering joy, helping me every year gain perspective on what it is we are doing here in this crazy, beautiful life.

Today, I choose joy and by grace I will again tomorrow.

It's a choice that will over time define my life story & inspire my children to do the same. 

{Our beautiful family photos were taken by the very talented Jessica of More Than Just Pictures}

{On being busy}

Life is busy for us, to say the least.

We have 3 kids 3 and under.

My husband works full time plus and is in grad school full time.

We live 3 hours away from any family and any regular help.

We are generally overwhelmed and stressed out.

Yeah- our life falls under the busy catagegory ;)

But, so does yours, right?

You have your own stuff going on, you are busy, but in other ways {or maybe the same- if so, we should be friends, haha}

It's funny, because I look at my friends that don't have kids {or have less kids, or have kids that are grown and gone} and they are just as frazled as myself on the day-to-day. But, then I remember my "former" life before the kids or before the husband and remember how busy my life felt then.

Life occupies us. It keeps us on the move. In a time with so much {constant} visual stimulation {TV, Social Media, Internet, ect} we are seldom "alone" or unamused. There are always demands on our time, our attention, our minds.

We are busy.

Even though my kids and family do demand much of my attention and time, there is still a fair amount left over that I chose to fill with my own busyness. 

Yep, busyness that I choose. 

And that is where the excuses come in, in my own busyness. 

When I say I am too busy for a friend or quite time, there is most likely some of my own personal busyness that I could set aside and give instead.

For me, right now, I am actively trying to evaulate my busyness and see where I can choose relationships first, because we are all busy, but sometimes it is a matter of prioitizing the things that matter, the things that are lasting over the things that are fleeting.

What keeps you busy? 

{when they are driving you crazy}

I love my kids an insane amount, but there are some moments that leave me feeling like I have been abducted by three little cavemen- and that maybe I may be about to be pushing the SOS button. 

Yep. Some days my kids drive me crazy :)

To be a mom (or dad) is to be needed. 

Constantly .

"Can I have a snack?"

"More Elmo?"

"I want to play another game of Candyland!"

"Take me to the park!"

The requests, they never cease. They follow you to the bathroom, keep you from feeding yourself, getting any rest or just generally acknowledging your own existence or needs.

It can drive you crazy.

Naturally we want to think of ourselves first, put our own needs before anyone else. It's just not natural to put other people before you- being a parent, it's not natural.

I know that sounds strange, but I think it is really freeing to know that it is okay that I don't always have it together or that I don't always love every moment of the selfless act of being a parent. And that honestly, it feels like something I am learning daily, it is not something I have mastered or ever will.

It is hard. It wears on your sanity and tests you in ways you never have before.

And on top of it all, we are expected to have it together before the world and God. 

But, yeah, that is never what was asked of us. We weren't asked to be perfect or together or always loving the hard stuff.

It's okay to feel like your kids are driving you crazy. It's okay to feel like you are failing or that everything is a mess because it reminds us that we too are needy and that we have a Father who will always be there to get us through, because He is perfect and his well never runs dry. The weight is off our shoulders at that point.

We are free to be the best imperfect, crazy out of our mind parents- honest and real before our kids and honestly loving them the best possible way by leaning onto a strength beyond us, so that they learn to do the same.

So, all you stressed out, crazy parents know that you are beautiful in your imperfection, in your trying and your failing and your endless giving. You have a God that has your back in this.

{my boys}

It has been a long week and I am thankful for my sweet boys who have kept me pushing through these tough days.

All I have to share today is simply a few pictures of how they make my heart happy :)

Walks to the park have been our number one excursion this week.

Judah finding a leaf in his "most best color"

Taking in the beautiful {early} morning and spotting a King Fisher

Melt my heart.

Big brothers are the best.

Sweet snuggles from Ry make even the longest week better.

{Content}

To be content.

Isn't it what we are all seeking? To be comfortable, happy, in a place where everything feels right.

When we think of being content we often associate it with happiness. To be content is to be happy.

But what does it really mean to be happy? It's a question that has been worked over and over in many different ways- with many different answers.

Why? Because happiness isn't one state, it is a spectrum of emotions ranging from simply being satisfied to being filled with intense joy.

 I think when we pursue happiness, we are pursuing that intense joy at the end of the spectrum, not just that mediocre happiness of the "day to day." 

We want the intensity of joy in the every day, but most of the time we are left in the inbetween.

The problem comes in when we seek our contentment in things and accomplishments and not in our souls.

Stuff never leads to that intense joy, it always lets us down...and so do our acclaims and pursuits of self- the happiness is temporary, it fades and leaves us hungry for more- for a joy that runs deep in our souls and doesn't die with the fleeting moment.

Our contentment, out deepest joy lies outside of us, it is not from us, but it is freely given for us- not of our own hands or anything we deserve or coud possibly earn.

A gift of joy so intense that we no longer need to keep pursuing it on our own strength, but we can simply rest in knowing that because we have this joy, nothing can separate or take us from it. 

Our joy is complete and contentment will find us no matter our present circumstances- we ask, we receive and joy meets us there.

I would love to share more with anyone interested in the source of my joy. 

Have a blessed Thuraday, friends!

{in my shadow}

We were walking home from the library, me pushing the double stroller and Judah walking slowly behind me.

He is usually a pretty fast paced walker, but for some reason today he was pokey and hovering just beyond the edge of my patience.

I would stop, look back and wait. And he would stop, look at me and wait.

It was nearing nap time and meltdowns.

"Come on bud, let's keep moving."

Nothing.

Frustrated, I pushed forward as the babies {er, toddlers} started to protest the prolonged mac n' cheese date that awaited them at home.

I glanced back and there he was, puttering along.

"Mom" he yelled "I'm just trying to stay in your shadow!"

I looked closely and sure enough he was trying with every ounce of his precision to stay perfectly in my shadow, right on my head.

And there it was, another one of those moments that seems so surface level, but really goes much deeper.

My little son, he just wanted to stay in my shadow- to do exactly as I was doing at that moment.

Just like he is always doing- following me, asking to load the washing machine with me or read his Bible while I read mine, always one step behind me watching, observing and learning in my shadow.

At times, my little shadow mate can make the task at hand twice as much work, but today was a little reminder of how very important it is to let him just simply be in my shadow as he navigates this big, complicated world.

It was a moment of realizing {again} what a precious gift he is and what a privilege it is to be his mother and shadow maker.

{when you feel like you are failing}

The valleys-I think we can all say we have had some in our lifetime. Maybe you are in one right now. Maybe you just came out of one-and you're stronger, but the sting of that experience has changed you, you're not the same. You messed up, you failed-but, it's not over.

It's those valleys, those low spots where life can feel stagnant and dark, where you ask yourself what it is you are doing and does it mean anything? 

Those moments when you feel like you are failing at life.

It's realizing at 30 that maybe what you went to college for and have worked at for the last 7 or 8 years isn't resonating with who you are.

It's the waking up in the night and looking around at your life and nothing is what you planned or thought it would be---it's the getting up in the morning and feeling like there has to be something more than this.

It's those moments when you compare the work of your hands to the work of everyone else and wonder how yours could ever matter or if anyone will ever notice. It's the years of investing your heart into something and still not seeing the fruit.

It's the secret fear in all of our hearts.

It's the knowing we only get one shot at this life and somehow we keep messing it up-the valleys, they keep coming.

There is not a person on this planet who, to their very core, in the back of their minds doesn't feel like they have failed in some way or another.

Failure feels like weakness & who wants to admit they are weak, that they need something more than their own strength to get through?

Who wants to admit that maybe we don't always get it right?

Not me.

Isn't that why we look so strong? Why that other mom at the park looks so put together, but when she gets home she falls apart. Or why your coworker seems to always be one step ahead, but everything else in their life is one step behind. 

We can't do it all, we can't give here and not fail there. 

So, friend if today you are in a low place, if it feels like you are failing where it matters most, it's okay.

You're not supposed to get it right, you're not supposed to do this alone or "keep it together" or be that person we all want to be---because even that person feels like you, they are failing too.

Those moments of failure, those valleys-that's real, that's life, that's our souls remembering that this is not our home---that this life, it's not all there is. 

Those moments do not own you or define you--they change you and if you are putting your hope in something more, they bring you closer to that something more. 

And friend, if you do not know that feeling of hope, I pray you do one day soon---that you could stop relying on your own strength and drowning in your weakness, but instead find a hope that will carry you.

{Late Night Waiting}

With Andrew working full time and in Grad School, Judah and I find ourselves with many mid-week late nights together up waiting for Andrew to come home.

Andrew is Judah's best bud and he can absolutely not end his day without seeing his daddy. And I don't fight it because it means something, their relationship is more important than a consistent bedtime right now.

And so I find myself doing a lot of late night waiting with my 3 year old which consist of:

Lots of games of Candy Land

Lots of snugly book reading (our library checkout list is currently at 115 books!)

Busy bag activities (planning a post on these soon, I made about 40 last month and they have been so great for keeping Judah entertained)

Movie watching (our current favorite is anything Charlie Brown) you can see by his face that we are nearing the end of our late night waiting ;)

On these late nights of waiting something special is happening, in the waiting we are making memories together, just a boy and his mama waiting for their favorite person in the world to come home. I love it. Although this is a tough season in our life, we are finding joy in the waiting. 

And the waiting is so worth it...

Our joy is complete :)

{simple joys}

With three kids 3 and under doing much of anything can seem overwhelming.

Many days the kids and I do not venture out farther than our own backyard. On a particularly rough day we are lucky to make it out of the play room.

Those days when we do not get out can feel like such big motherhood fails.

Based on Pinterest and some gorgeous mama blogs a "good" mom at least gets her kids to daily adventures at the library or the zoo or some play date. 

But, to the kids it is really just a matter of is mom with us? Yes, ok that's enough for me. To them, it's the simple stuff, the simple joys that come from just being together.

They don't care how much time went into your perfectly plotted craft project or educational zoo trip. Nope, just having you is enough, everything else is just fluff.

Instant oatmeal breakfasts.

Backyard sand box digging.

Early morning snuggles.

Reading the same book 10 times.

Tree climbing.

Lego building.

The simple joys make kids happy.

So, sweet, tired mama don't worry if today or this week you don't get much farther than your own backyard. It's enough, you are enough. 

You have nothing to prove, you are loved and needed and the giving of yourself is all they need today, every day.

{Holy Moments}

Moments that seem ordinary, but are so much more.


Moments that make this life beautiful.


For a long time I thought that holiness would only be found in a certain place, at a certain time, reserved for big moments in our lives.


But lately, I have come to see that holy moments can actually look very ordinary and sometimes come in the middle of our messiest, most simple every day lives.


It comes in that moment when the exhaustion of a long week cements you to the couch and the kids are going crazy...and then dad walks in the door {beyond all exhaustion himself} and everyone is back together again, hugs & giggles and lots of fast talking....a holy moment.


You stop. You take it all in, the laughing, the joy...a shared smile between two parents void of any energy, but full of a shared understanding of "this is why we do it."


It's the realizing that all the hard stuff accumulates to make up the good stuff.


This holy, sacredness of life bursting at the seams.


The quite bedtime stories with just your oldest.


The waiting up late for a husband just to simply see his face today, and it's enough.


The 2am snuggles from a teething toddler.


The way the sun spills in your bedroom every morning, a new day.


The pile of shoes scattered across your kitchen that says "life happens here."


The moments that literally make you stop {even for a second} and realize this is it, this is my life right here, right now and I am thankful.


Holy moments.


Because God is in the every day, this is where life happens in the big and the small.


Watch for those moments this week.


Happy Monday, friends.

{Beauty From These Ashes}

I don't understand a lot, especially when it comes to the pain and brokenness we all experience in this life. It just doesn't make a lot of sense.

When you are a kid the world seems so beautiful and dangerous. But as an adults we sometimes lose that wonder and  that fear. We forget how much we matter and how much those around us matter. We forget how fragile we are and we come face to face with really how short our lives are.

I am not too old, but sometimes I feel like most of my life has passed me by and I am running out of ground to cover before the race is done. I start to panic when stuff falls apart, when bad things happen to those I love, when my own brokenness hurts others, when nothing seems to work out like I thought it would...and all I see is a pile of ashes at my feet.

But isn't that the way it is in this life?

Isn't it a reminder of how messed up we are and all we can really create is mess after mess, turning our life and plans into a heap of burning ashes at our feet?

Dangerous.

We are destructive by nature, destined to mess it all up no matter how smart, or determined or well planned our dreams and life may be.

Things just fall apart. They rust and they rot and they leave us feeling empty and wondering how we ever got here.

But there is hope. There is always hope.

Something beautiful can come from the mess we have made.

Redemption.

Beauty from the ashes.

When our brokenness, our failures and our plans are contrasted with the sacred truth that we can absolutely not do this on our own, we find what it is all about.

We see meaning in the suffering, the pain and the heartache.

We see that we were never really meant to be here long and that our souls were not created for this world.

And then everything looks different.

The brokenness in our hearts reminds us of our humanity, of what we can do when we stop trying on our own.

When we lean on a strength and a love that is beyond us life starts to bloom up from the muck.

We get back to that place where life is beautiful and dangerous and hope filled again.

We get a little closer to heaven right here.

It doesn't mean life stops being hard or the ones we love stop getting hurt, it just means now we don't have to do this ourselves anymore, it's not all on our shoulders and we have nothing to prove.

It means in our ashes, in our most broken down place hope springs forth and we keep fighting the good fight, keep hoping for that day when all things will be made right. 

Because it is coming, sweet friend.

Beauty from the ashes.

{Life RIght Now}

It has been awhile since I have done an update, so I thought I would share a little about our life {right now}.

Judah is just over 3.5 years old already {tears}. He is becoming such a sweet little man. He still has his vibrant, joyful spirit and we are all learning how to embrace it a little more every day. He has an insane vocabulary and really seems to grasp concepts far beyond his years. We love to just listen to him share his thoughts and have a peek into his heart. I started to do preschool at home with him this fall because he is SO ready and just eager to learn. I found a great Christian based preschool program online that we are following, along with some of my own ideas. So far it is going really well, but it is a tricky balance with the twins being the super active toddlers that they are. Nap time is usually our only opportunity to tackle school stuff. Judah is such a social little guy too. He just LOVES to be with people. I have a hard time keeping him off the neighbor's porches :) We are so blessed to call this sweet boy our son. He teaches us so much.

{again, with the fuzzy iPad pics, but something better than nothing ;) }

{Big Bro}

Ryder & Will are 19 {almost 20 months} and ON.THE.MOVE! They are just little busy bees, soaking up everything they can {especially from their big bro}. While they are in very similar stages in a lot of ways, they are also extremely different.

 Ryder is very attached to me {FINALLY, a mama's guy!}, loves to snuggle, cautious about new experiences, passionate about what he wants/ doesn't want, LOVES kitties {not sure how he developed this affection because Andrew and I are anything but cat people!}, He is obsessed with all things Elmo, loves to just sit on his little frog potty and say "poo-poo!" and takes any opportunity he can to be outside {and get on Judah's bike}. He certainly is a blessing to our family.

{Ry may have taste tested the dirt...}

 Will is a pretty independent guy. He is our "wise old soul"- he just always has this intense, knowing look on his face, it cracks us up. He has a very complex vocabulary for his age and seems to really understand a lot more than we probably know. He loves books and will sit for a good 45 minutes just paging through his favorites. He is also very very opinionated about what he wants, which I think just comes with the toddler territory ;) He loves to putter around with little tiny toys and examine the smallest details of things. We just love this little bug to pieces.

{Will, showing off his sweet smile}

 Andrew is in the midst of grad school and working full time insanity. It's nuts. He is pretty much exhausted from the moment he wakes up until he eventually makes it to bed at night. Given all that he has on his plate he does SO much to take care of us all when he is home. We miss him a lot during the week and are really looking forward to this last semester being over! We are so proud of him!

{Andrew & Judah, Best Buddies}

 And me, I am in full blown mom mode 24/7. I give all the single moms out there SO much credit. It.Is.TOUGH. I have not had much time for anything outside of the kids and house stuff, so getting back into blogging is really a great outlet for me. I have met a few amazing moms in town recently, so it is has been great to build a little community of friends that are close by.

{Me and my 3 boys}

Life is good, crazy busy and stressful at times, but so so good.

{At The Core}

I am an extra sensitive soul.

My husband can verify that as well as my family and close friends.

And I am starting to see that, maybe that isn't such a bad thing.

As a child {and most of my adult life} I have seen it as weakness, a flaw in my code.

It has fed my tendency to give into fear. It has helped define the not-so-healthy "theme of my life" for many years.

There is always a reason behind a life theme & many times it isn't that it is a fault, but a gift or strong point that is simply misdirected.

Being sensitive can bring good or bad.

Being strong willed can bring good or bad.

Being passionate can bring good or bad.

It is a matter of how you use these gifts and a matter of how you view yourself in relation to the things that are so deeply ingrained in the person you are.

I believe that at the core of every person there is an undeniable goodness.

It is a reflection of where we come from, from the hands that shaped us from the very start, intended for beauty and purpose and light.

As I have been working over these things in my heart, once again I see in my children this very truth.

That we are fearfully and wonderfully made.

That when we look at ourselves and see fault it is a reminder to look deeper and see the goodness at the core of it, to always get back to the place where  beauty was intended to flow out and start there again.

When my son, Judah, whose name means "praise," is being loud and over the top wild I can choose to see it as him being disobedient and rude.

But, when I stop and look at the core of him, where I know I will find a soul bursting at the seams with joy, praise & exuberance for life I can remember that I need to help him cultivate that into something that brings goodness to those around him.

I don't want to squelch his joy, push it down back into him as a negative attribute, but give him the means and ability to use it to make the world a sweeter place to be.

And I need that same gentleness when dealing with myself- to see that there is a goodness in how I was created, that being sensitive means more than being afraid or being shy, it means more than being afraid to feel too much.

It means I have the ability to step into another person's pain. 

It means letting myself see beyond the hard exterior and into the real heart behind it.

It means giving my heart all the more and not sheltering it from pain.

It means expressing my sensitive soul in a way that brings truth and beauty to others.

It means loving and accepting who I am at the very core. Because it is there that I will find my deepest connection with the One who weaved it all together from the very start.

I hope that you too can look at yourself and see beyond the faults to a person who is deeply meaningful and needed by this world to the very core.

{Why Relationships Matter}

Every day our minds are burdened with all we need to do, places we need to go, things we have to accomplish.

I catch myself so often moving from one task to the next, our days laid out in a well organized sequence of things "to do."

I find myself saying "just a minute", and "in a second" or "just let me finish this one thing" too many times in a day.

A friend might call to visit, my 3 year old might ask to go to the park or my husband wants to just talk an catch up on our day....but, I am too busy.

And then there are times I long to see a friend I have not connected with in weeks or months or maybe I want to read a book with my 3 year old or talk to my husband and they are suddenly too busy.

We are all too busy. We are all distracted by things that fade away. We are lured by the immediate and forget the eternal, lasting things.

Our lists of things to do will never end, the distractions will never cease. But what will remain at the end of our lives? What will last?

Relationships.

We all have them, both good and bad. Shallow and deep. They exist and they matter, more so than anything on our "to do" lists.

I often ask my 3 year old when he is frustrated with his brothers or a friend "what is more important the person or the thing?" His answer is always "the person." He gets it.

Me? Not so much.

It seems so obvious, I know. Of course people matter more than things, most of us know this. But, are we truly grasping and living out this knowledge?

I think if we were, the world would be such a different place than it is now.

I have been struggling with this a lot lately, realizing how many of my relationships are on the back burner. And I see how deeply it alters me to the core when I put my "to do's" or my own needs before the people around me.

Instead of calling up a friend, I am cleaning the kitchen.

Instead of playing a game with Judah, I am shopping online for new shoes for him.

Instead of having a new neighbor over for dinner, I am stressing about how much work we need to do on our backyard landscaping.

Instead of late night talks with my husband, I am reorganizing the play room {again}.

I am trying to keep our life clean, organized and moving along. I am trying to find ways to make our life better or easier.

And in the process I am missing the main point of this life.

I am forgetting that none of this "stuff" really adds up to much in the end.

It's the people, the depth of my relationships that contain infinite value.

So tonight I am letting the laundry pile up more than normally "acceptable", I am putting away my list of things undone, letting the dust do it's own thing and embracing the sweet souls in front of me.

I hope your weekend is full of amazing moments with the ones you love and that maybe just this once nothing gets checked off the list but time together.

Days That Melt Away

The summer days have melted away faster than I thought they would, but the memories have left sticky little handprints all over my heart.

I've missed writing/blogging, but it was good to just be in those moments and let the memories be enough. 

I barely even clicked my shutter this summer. There are maybe a few hundred photos to document our many road trips, backyard campouts, visits with family and just the general day to day sweetness that was our summer.

With the pressure of needing to "capture" every moment, we sometimes forget to be in the moment.

As I sit and reflect on the memories of the summer, a few come to mind. Nothing extraordinary, but just a lot of every day ordinary, messy, {sometimes loud} and wonderful moments:

Late night drives to the lake {with soundly sleeping babes in the back} and long conversations for Andrew and I.

Hiking, exploring, diving off the old dock, rainy afternoon forts indoors, hot muggy nights spent in the screen tent waiting for a storm to break the heat, catching wiggly fish...

Road trips to see grandparents and extended family.

A special week with Uncle Jack {Andrew's brother through his birth Mom}

And then a week with Aunt Shaley & Ella {Andrew's sisters through his birth Dad}

Giant, sun ripened harvests from our garden

And many delicious meals from said ripe harvests :)

There were many games of peek-a-boo, hide and seek, Candyland, and Go Fish

And thankfully {for mama} there were plenty of nice, long afternoon naps

I hope your summer was just as packed with good memories!

I look forward to getting back to writing and reflecting on what I am learning on this crazy journey called life on my blog this fall.

{Getting There}

Up ahead he was running, pointing and yelling out "directions" from his "map."

"And when you see the struction' workers go THAT way. Then when that lady RIGHT THERE moves out of my way we can go dis way."

The park was maybe a 10 minute walk from our house, but we had been trying to get there for almost 30 minutes now and I was getting frustrated more and more by my little "guide".

Before we left he had made a "map" to get to the park, a mess of colored scribbles, which he said would get us there the "best" way. In that moment his ambition and creativity pulled on my heart...but 30 minutes into our adventure I was getting hot, sweaty and impatient to get to our destination.

"STOP!" he yelled, putting his chubby little arm up, bringing our giant double stroller to a screeching halt, screeching twin babies and all.

"Ok, Judah, we just need to walk faster. Can we keep moving?" I pleaded, trying not to show how frustrated I was getting.

But he saw through it and he was not happy.

"Mama. Right now we are getting there. Right now we gotta find the wood-packer. That's my favorite bird kind. When we find him, then we will go."

Ok, I thought, if I am waiting for a "wood-packer" to show up, we are never getting there.

And just as quickly as that thought crossed my mind, the invisible "wood-packer" flew in and landed on Judah's arm and we were on our way again.

Why do I doubt the infinite wisdom and imagination of the 3 year old? :)

Again, 30 seconds later, he was stopped and getting down on the sidewalk to look hopefully up into the cloudy grey sky. Now, we were waiting for the sunshine to come out to keep moving.

"Mama, you gotta sit wif me and look for the sun. When it comes then we will go over that way, by the mailman truck, that is the most faster way to the park." He smiled.

His smile was too sweet to pass up, so I found myself on my back staring hopefully into a grey sea of clouds, praying for a glimpse of the sun so we could be on our way.

Judah looked over at me and reassured me it was coming, it maybe was just going potty.

The babies squealed from the stroller, they always seemed to find their big brother's antics amusing.

I realized in that moment that I was so thankful that Ryder and Will had such a passionate big brother to guide them on this journey and more importantly through the real journey of this life.

He understood it was the journey that mattered, it made the getting there all the sweeter.

And when the sun finally did come back from it's potty break, so did my attitude.

I peeled myself up off the sidewalk, knowing these days of my journey would be over before I knew it. So, I followed my "guide" and we made it to the park in just under an hour.

It may have been the longest route, the slowest and pokiest way I have ever gone, but I saw more detail along the way that I had sped past so many other times along the same route.

I saw the "nice grandma planting flowers" who smiled warmly as we passed, "the crunchy grass" sweet with the smell of summer, "the giant fuzzy monster"/ adorable lab puppy handing out free kisses.

I saw myself, pressing through my days lately with the "end" in sight, motivated by a night of sleep or a long weekend. I saw myself missing out on the moments as they came, brushing them off as I sped through this draining and sometimes monotonous season of my life.

The sweetness and innocent perspective of my 3 year old son had once again pulled me back to reality, to the reality that this journey is good and these moments are what matters. The destination is good, but it will never be as beautiful as it could be without investing right here and now along this journey, moment by moment.

And, let me tell you, as that park came up over the hilltop it had never looked more glorious and that creaky old park bench had never felt better.

So, today friends, stop looking ahead and look right where you are....it is so so good.

Enjoy the journey, we'll get there soon enough :)

{To All The Mothers}

It's Mother's Day.

A day to celebrate the women in our lives that nurture, support, give life, sacrifice and love so deeply.

As I sat this morning thinking about all the women in my life who I appreciate on this day, more than just Mamas came to mind.

Mother's Day is not just a day to celebrate the women in our lives who have raised us or given birth to us. It is more. It is about all of the women who give of themselves, who fill that "mother" role in our lives in so many different ways.

I think of the women who have not yet had the chance to raise babies of their own. Who long so deeply to give and nurture a child that calls them "mama." I think of how their love and desire is so deep that it overflows to all areas of their lives, of how they pour that love on those around them. How they listen, support and give of themselves in anticipation of that day when they will hold a baby of their own.

I think of how we need to give thanks for them, tell them how much we appreciate their mother's hearts. Tell them how loved and beautiful they are.

I think of all the women who daily "mother" children that are not their own. Of teachers, child care providers, nannies. Women whose hearts have countless rooms in them for every child they so selflessly give to.

Thank you. Thank you for loving children that maybe do not feel that love from their own homes, for loving children simply because they matter, simply because your heart can not help but expand just a little more. You are so deeply appreciated.

I think of women who lead Bible studies or support groups, who give of their time and energy to lift up and support women in their lives. Women who truly listen. Women who respond to every text, phone call and email, offering support and encouragement. All of this, with a true Mother's heart.

Thank you. Thank you for loving and supporting and giving the best of you. Thank you for being a Mother in so many ways to so many women. You are loved and cherished.

And I think of Mamas like myself, in the midst of raising little ones. Of Moms who wonder if what they are doing really matters. Of Mamas who feel alone sometimes, who feel exhausted, who give every ounce of their waking moments to their babies. You are not alone and what you do does not go unnoticed. You matter so very much. You are making an impact on eternity. You are amazing and so so loved.

I think of Mothers who children have long since grown, who are now grandmothers or even great grandmothers. I think of how the legacy of love they have given has grown exponentially, of how their Mother's hearts have left a lasting imprint on history. I think of the many many influential people of our time and the great Mothers who stand firmly behind them. Thank you. Thank you for giving of your whole life to love your children, of loving them through every stage of life, of never forgetting the sweet babies they once were and forever loving them like they still are your baby.

I think of single Moms, of Adoptive Moms, of Foster Moms, Step Moms. Of Moms who don't fit that "traditional" Mom definition. Of Moms who put their children before themselves always, who give and give and never cease to love their children. Who never give up, who keep going even on the hardest days. Moms who never give up hope, who truly understand the gift that their babies are and treat them as such. You are incredible, you inspire us. You are loved and appreciated more than you know.

I think of Birth Mothers. Mother's who give of themselves, sacrifice to give their child what they themselves cannot. Of women who give life, joy and love unimaginable to another. Of women who love their babies so deeply and give a piece of their hearts. You are strong, you are loved. You are so appreciated.

Mothers around the world, women who may not be called "Mom," but women who are true mothers, women who need to be acknowledged and loved on this day.

Happy Mother's Day.

You are loved. You are beautiful. Thank You!

{i can do hard things}

Today was one of those days that sucks the life out of you.

One of those days where all your plans sizzle in a pile of ashes.

One of those days where you choose to have faith or not.

One of those days where you realize you are not in control.


Over the last two years of plan crushing moments I have let the eb and flow of life take me under, let fear be my life's theme. There have been moments where my head bobs above the water and I see clearly the blessings in dark waters, but many times I let the "what if's" steal my joy and take me back under.

Life is stressful. That's a fact for all of us. But, for me it has been so saturated in fear, worry and regrets much of the time...and that is not truly living, it is surviving.

Daily, I try not to conform to what the rest of the world says are good things, what are the things to live for and strive for---but, somehow I keep putting my hope in them...and I keep getting disappointed.

Hope in my bank account.

Hope in accomplishments.

Hope in good works.

Hope in "the next best thing".

Hope in nothing.

Again, we had our hopes tangled up in what looked best to us, what would make life easier or better. We were so sure that maybe this time our blessing would come. Maybe just this once things could go our way, be easier.

But, the answer came like a dagger : NO.

Our plans are not always God's plans and sometimes that reality just stings.

Right now I look ahead and I don't see how anything could possibly work out. The water is threatening to fill my lungs, fear beckons at my heart again like a long lost friend.

And yet, there is another voice, one much gentler and steadier reminding me "you can do hard things."

oh, the sweetness of truth.

My immediate jerk reaction is to say no, no I can't! I am weak. I am a failure. I'm not strong enough.

But, as I stop and reflect over all of the "plan crushing" that has occurred over the last few years I see a trend of overcoming, of growing, of learning more and more where my true hope and joy lie.

And then I remember that nothing beautiful or good or life giving ever comes easy, or the way we want or plan it to. Never.

Good stories never come without trial.

Good stories never come without pain.

Good stories don't come without sacrifice.

Good stories don't come from a life given over to fear.

So, today I am going to stop letting this theme of fear guide me and swim in the opposite direction where I know there will be dry land, where I know there will be hope.

Today I am going to choose joy in the midst of disappointment.

Today I am going move forward, letting my life & plans slip through my hands like the dust that they are.

Today, I am going to remember the voice telling me I can do hard things.

Today I am going to see that my blessings have never come in the way I thought they would.

{My Life's Theme}

Last month we invited a group of close friends to join us in going through Donald Miller's Storyline process.

{from the Storyline blog at Storylineblog.com}

Storyline takes you through a process of examining your life as a story. It is "based on the formula screenwriters and novelists use to create stories." The whole process is broken up into 8 sections, helping you examine your story thus far and chart out what's ahead.

It is about living a better story, using your positive and negative experiences to see that they have all been building you up for something greater, for a greater role in the overall story of God.

From Storyline, "We believe your story was a blank page given to you by God and to write a great story on that page is a noble pursuit and a gift to the world."

What a beautiful way to look at life, as a a story. When I heard about Storyline I knew it was something I had to do and had to share with others, because if we were all living in the knowledge that our life is a story and a story that really matters, how different would the world be?

Last night our group got together and started the Storyline Process. It is supposed to be an 8 week format when done in a small group, but because we all have crazy busy lives {and who doesn't?!} we are stretching it out over more like 4 months.

The first section is all about what has your story been so far? What have been the major turning points in your life? How have these things shaped you and how can the negative points be redeemed for something greater?

Because I am facilitating the group I had already gone through the first part and started mapping out my life up until now. It was really sobering, to see your whole life just out there, all the hurts and all the joys mingling together in a familiar pattern of ups and downs.

The hardest part for me? Realizing my life's theme.

It is one thing to know you have deep struggles and then push them aside for another day, but it is completely painful to set it all out and know that it has been too long that this one thing {or more} has had too much control over your story.

For me, that thing is fear.

As I looked back over the positive and negative turns of my life scratched out in pencil across the page a lump formed in my throat.

How much time have I spent fearing?

They won't accept me.

Everyone I love will die.

I have nothing to offer.

There is no hope for me.

I can not measure up to God's standards.

I am not strong enough.

I can't do it.

What will they think of me?

Everything is out of my hands...

Anxiety. Depression. Loneliness...all products of a fear deep in my heart for so many years.

Even as a little girl I can remember that deep fear taking root in my little heart. And over the years it has grown and grown and grown. Don't get me wrong, there have been many good things and positive turns in my life, but I just can't shake this theme of fear that has dominated my story for so long.

As I sit here today, on this gloomy, cold and rainy Monday afternoon I am overcome with something unfamiliar, something greater than fear.....hope.

Hope that my story is not done yet, hope that all these years of fearfulness can be redeemed for something greater.

As I was reading my Bible and praying for a fresh start and a new perspective I stumbled upon Lamentations 5: {Taken from The Message, italics mine}

"We're nothing but slaves to sin, to fear, to darkness...
We sold ourselves...
The joy is gone from our hearts...
Oh, that we never sinned or fell victim to fear
We are heartsick because of this..
BUT, You are sovereign still,
Give us a fresh start!"

Words that could have been straight from my heart....and words that promise hope because God is sovereign, He has complete authority over the good and bad. He can and will redeem us from the darkness and struggles.

Join me. Find your story, find a fresh start and a new perspective on this journey of life, a story that you only have one chance to write.

The great thing about Storyline is it is for everyone. Even if you don't believe there is a God, you probably believe that life is about something more than just you. I highly encourage everyone to look into it and follow me along here on my blog as I go through the process. Please don't hesitate to contact me if you have any questions or would like help getting started or going through the process yourself.

What Did You Make?

I like things clean, organized, in their place.

But, with three little ones 3 & under, it is not a consistent trend in our house.

Last night I spent a good hour cleaning up & organizing the play room---toy vegetables separated from toy fruits, legos in their bin, puzzles organized by type and size...you know, all the things a 3 year old and two 1 years find to be most important ;)

Then, this morning as I woke up to a clean, organized house I smiled & felt like all was right in the world.

{Judah didn't agree.}

When he saw the play room in all it's color-coded organized glory he was disgusted.

"What did you do, Mama?!" He said throwing his little arms up in protest.

He proceeded to tell me he had "a lot of work to do" and would I "please get him some breakfast?"

Groggy, half awake & still flying high from my rush of organization adrenaline I went to the kitchen to get my coffee started and some breakfast for the kids.

Judah was so quiet in the other room that I was easily distracted and got caught up in reading the Willy Street Co-Op Monthly that before I realized it my coffee was done, paper read & 30 minutes had passed.

I was startled out of my moment of quiet when I heard two little voices calling "Mama" from upstairs.

As I made my way through the dining room into the living room and around the corner I began to hear lots of clanking, the sound of wood & plastic making a crashing symphony from the play room.

Hmmm, Judah must be really enjoying the newly organized play room.

Oh, he was!

When I walked into the room I saw him hard at work destroying enjoying his play room.

Before I could let out an exasperated moan Judah had turned around with a huge, proud smile on his face pointing to the enormous mound of toys he was hauling and dumping into his tent.

"Look, Mama! Look what I MADE!"

Isn't perspective funny?

I saw a giant mess, all my hard work for nothing. He saw an opportunity, a chance to make something that mattered.

What I wanted to say was, "Why?! Why did you have to make such a huge mess after I just cleaned this all up?"

But the look on his sweet face, the joy that poured from his eyes was enough to make me see that he didn't just make a mess....he made something. 

So, instead I asked, "what did you make?"

He was thrilled to explain that he had made a "beautiful tower" for me, so that we could "climb to the top and fly!" Hands on his hips, he looked to me asking with his eyes, Mama, are you proud of me, do you like it?

My heart melted. I snapped out of my selfish desire for organized wooden produce and saw that my son was thinking about me, he was thinking about creating beauty, bringing joy to another person.

What a sweet blessing he is, yet again reminding me that life is not about doing it is about creating, enjoying, giving. It is about finding opportunities to add to the beauty, to join with God to create something that brings joy and gives life.

As a mom I tend to get so wrapped up in all my things that "need to get done" that I forget I don't serve a God who does, but a God who IS. A God who creates, who gives, who loves. I forget that is what he wants me to do too. I am so thankful that He allows me to learn through those so fresh from his hands, from my sweet little sons that still live to bring beauty and create things that matter, that live to just be and not do.

 I pray that I can start to see more daily the things our lives are making and not just what we are doing or not doing, to see life through their eyes, through His eyes and not my own.

Because, in the words of Sarah Groves " I just want to add to the beauty, to tell a better story." I want to create something beautiful with this life, with my family. Today, I am going to stop doing so much and ask "what can I make with today?"