{Choosing Joy}

I've been in a funk the past week, just feeling generally overwhelmed and grumpy and sorry for myself.

It's a kind of slow fade for me-one day I am pushing through the exhaustion and the next I give in just once to feeling "sorry" for myself and it is all down hill from there.

Day by day I let go of the sweet, simple joys that have kept me going and instead choose to let the negatives define my mood. And eventually I find myself here, feeling like staying in my pajamas all day and not getting out in the big, beautiful world where it's hard.

Being joyful, it's a choice. A choice that needs to be made new every day. 

Choosing the good thing usually means choosing the hard thing, the thing that goes against our very own selfish inner drive. 

Choosing joy usually means choosing others before me.

Choosing joy means giving of yourself when you feel like you have nothing left to give.

It means starting over again and giving yourself grace- new every day.

It is always a choice.

I forget that so often, that despite what is happening around me, I get to choose my response and my attitude.

My husband is such a strength for me in this- he wakes up every day choosing joy and choosing to see today as the gift that it is. He is so paitent with me in my wavering joy, helping me every year gain perspective on what it is we are doing here in this crazy, beautiful life.

Today, I choose joy and by grace I will again tomorrow.

It's a choice that will over time define my life story & inspire my children to do the same. 

{Our beautiful family photos were taken by the very talented Jessica of More Than Just Pictures}

{On being busy}

Life is busy for us, to say the least.

We have 3 kids 3 and under.

My husband works full time plus and is in grad school full time.

We live 3 hours away from any family and any regular help.

We are generally overwhelmed and stressed out.

Yeah- our life falls under the busy catagegory ;)

But, so does yours, right?

You have your own stuff going on, you are busy, but in other ways {or maybe the same- if so, we should be friends, haha}

It's funny, because I look at my friends that don't have kids {or have less kids, or have kids that are grown and gone} and they are just as frazled as myself on the day-to-day. But, then I remember my "former" life before the kids or before the husband and remember how busy my life felt then.

Life occupies us. It keeps us on the move. In a time with so much {constant} visual stimulation {TV, Social Media, Internet, ect} we are seldom "alone" or unamused. There are always demands on our time, our attention, our minds.

We are busy.

Even though my kids and family do demand much of my attention and time, there is still a fair amount left over that I chose to fill with my own busyness. 

Yep, busyness that I choose. 

And that is where the excuses come in, in my own busyness. 

When I say I am too busy for a friend or quite time, there is most likely some of my own personal busyness that I could set aside and give instead.

For me, right now, I am actively trying to evaulate my busyness and see where I can choose relationships first, because we are all busy, but sometimes it is a matter of prioitizing the things that matter, the things that are lasting over the things that are fleeting.

What keeps you busy? 

{when they are driving you crazy}

I love my kids an insane amount, but there are some moments that leave me feeling like I have been abducted by three little cavemen- and that maybe I may be about to be pushing the SOS button. 

Yep. Some days my kids drive me crazy :)

To be a mom (or dad) is to be needed. 

Constantly .

"Can I have a snack?"

"More Elmo?"

"I want to play another game of Candyland!"

"Take me to the park!"

The requests, they never cease. They follow you to the bathroom, keep you from feeding yourself, getting any rest or just generally acknowledging your own existence or needs.

It can drive you crazy.

Naturally we want to think of ourselves first, put our own needs before anyone else. It's just not natural to put other people before you- being a parent, it's not natural.

I know that sounds strange, but I think it is really freeing to know that it is okay that I don't always have it together or that I don't always love every moment of the selfless act of being a parent. And that honestly, it feels like something I am learning daily, it is not something I have mastered or ever will.

It is hard. It wears on your sanity and tests you in ways you never have before.

And on top of it all, we are expected to have it together before the world and God. 

But, yeah, that is never what was asked of us. We weren't asked to be perfect or together or always loving the hard stuff.

It's okay to feel like your kids are driving you crazy. It's okay to feel like you are failing or that everything is a mess because it reminds us that we too are needy and that we have a Father who will always be there to get us through, because He is perfect and his well never runs dry. The weight is off our shoulders at that point.

We are free to be the best imperfect, crazy out of our mind parents- honest and real before our kids and honestly loving them the best possible way by leaning onto a strength beyond us, so that they learn to do the same.

So, all you stressed out, crazy parents know that you are beautiful in your imperfection, in your trying and your failing and your endless giving. You have a God that has your back in this.

{my boys}

It has been a long week and I am thankful for my sweet boys who have kept me pushing through these tough days.

All I have to share today is simply a few pictures of how they make my heart happy :)

Walks to the park have been our number one excursion this week.

Judah finding a leaf in his "most best color"

Taking in the beautiful {early} morning and spotting a King Fisher

Melt my heart.

Big brothers are the best.

Sweet snuggles from Ry make even the longest week better.

{Content}

To be content.

Isn't it what we are all seeking? To be comfortable, happy, in a place where everything feels right.

When we think of being content we often associate it with happiness. To be content is to be happy.

But what does it really mean to be happy? It's a question that has been worked over and over in many different ways- with many different answers.

Why? Because happiness isn't one state, it is a spectrum of emotions ranging from simply being satisfied to being filled with intense joy.

 I think when we pursue happiness, we are pursuing that intense joy at the end of the spectrum, not just that mediocre happiness of the "day to day." 

We want the intensity of joy in the every day, but most of the time we are left in the inbetween.

The problem comes in when we seek our contentment in things and accomplishments and not in our souls.

Stuff never leads to that intense joy, it always lets us down...and so do our acclaims and pursuits of self- the happiness is temporary, it fades and leaves us hungry for more- for a joy that runs deep in our souls and doesn't die with the fleeting moment.

Our contentment, out deepest joy lies outside of us, it is not from us, but it is freely given for us- not of our own hands or anything we deserve or coud possibly earn.

A gift of joy so intense that we no longer need to keep pursuing it on our own strength, but we can simply rest in knowing that because we have this joy, nothing can separate or take us from it. 

Our joy is complete and contentment will find us no matter our present circumstances- we ask, we receive and joy meets us there.

I would love to share more with anyone interested in the source of my joy. 

Have a blessed Thuraday, friends!

{in my shadow}

We were walking home from the library, me pushing the double stroller and Judah walking slowly behind me.

He is usually a pretty fast paced walker, but for some reason today he was pokey and hovering just beyond the edge of my patience.

I would stop, look back and wait. And he would stop, look at me and wait.

It was nearing nap time and meltdowns.

"Come on bud, let's keep moving."

Nothing.

Frustrated, I pushed forward as the babies {er, toddlers} started to protest the prolonged mac n' cheese date that awaited them at home.

I glanced back and there he was, puttering along.

"Mom" he yelled "I'm just trying to stay in your shadow!"

I looked closely and sure enough he was trying with every ounce of his precision to stay perfectly in my shadow, right on my head.

And there it was, another one of those moments that seems so surface level, but really goes much deeper.

My little son, he just wanted to stay in my shadow- to do exactly as I was doing at that moment.

Just like he is always doing- following me, asking to load the washing machine with me or read his Bible while I read mine, always one step behind me watching, observing and learning in my shadow.

At times, my little shadow mate can make the task at hand twice as much work, but today was a little reminder of how very important it is to let him just simply be in my shadow as he navigates this big, complicated world.

It was a moment of realizing {again} what a precious gift he is and what a privilege it is to be his mother and shadow maker.

{when you feel like you are failing}

The valleys-I think we can all say we have had some in our lifetime. Maybe you are in one right now. Maybe you just came out of one-and you're stronger, but the sting of that experience has changed you, you're not the same. You messed up, you failed-but, it's not over.

It's those valleys, those low spots where life can feel stagnant and dark, where you ask yourself what it is you are doing and does it mean anything? 

Those moments when you feel like you are failing at life.

It's realizing at 30 that maybe what you went to college for and have worked at for the last 7 or 8 years isn't resonating with who you are.

It's the waking up in the night and looking around at your life and nothing is what you planned or thought it would be---it's the getting up in the morning and feeling like there has to be something more than this.

It's those moments when you compare the work of your hands to the work of everyone else and wonder how yours could ever matter or if anyone will ever notice. It's the years of investing your heart into something and still not seeing the fruit.

It's the secret fear in all of our hearts.

It's the knowing we only get one shot at this life and somehow we keep messing it up-the valleys, they keep coming.

There is not a person on this planet who, to their very core, in the back of their minds doesn't feel like they have failed in some way or another.

Failure feels like weakness & who wants to admit they are weak, that they need something more than their own strength to get through?

Who wants to admit that maybe we don't always get it right?

Not me.

Isn't that why we look so strong? Why that other mom at the park looks so put together, but when she gets home she falls apart. Or why your coworker seems to always be one step ahead, but everything else in their life is one step behind. 

We can't do it all, we can't give here and not fail there. 

So, friend if today you are in a low place, if it feels like you are failing where it matters most, it's okay.

You're not supposed to get it right, you're not supposed to do this alone or "keep it together" or be that person we all want to be---because even that person feels like you, they are failing too.

Those moments of failure, those valleys-that's real, that's life, that's our souls remembering that this is not our home---that this life, it's not all there is. 

Those moments do not own you or define you--they change you and if you are putting your hope in something more, they bring you closer to that something more. 

And friend, if you do not know that feeling of hope, I pray you do one day soon---that you could stop relying on your own strength and drowning in your weakness, but instead find a hope that will carry you.

{Late Night Waiting}

With Andrew working full time and in Grad School, Judah and I find ourselves with many mid-week late nights together up waiting for Andrew to come home.

Andrew is Judah's best bud and he can absolutely not end his day without seeing his daddy. And I don't fight it because it means something, their relationship is more important than a consistent bedtime right now.

And so I find myself doing a lot of late night waiting with my 3 year old which consist of:

Lots of games of Candy Land

Lots of snugly book reading (our library checkout list is currently at 115 books!)

Busy bag activities (planning a post on these soon, I made about 40 last month and they have been so great for keeping Judah entertained)

Movie watching (our current favorite is anything Charlie Brown) you can see by his face that we are nearing the end of our late night waiting ;)

On these late nights of waiting something special is happening, in the waiting we are making memories together, just a boy and his mama waiting for their favorite person in the world to come home. I love it. Although this is a tough season in our life, we are finding joy in the waiting. 

And the waiting is so worth it...

Our joy is complete :)

{simple joys}

With three kids 3 and under doing much of anything can seem overwhelming.

Many days the kids and I do not venture out farther than our own backyard. On a particularly rough day we are lucky to make it out of the play room.

Those days when we do not get out can feel like such big motherhood fails.

Based on Pinterest and some gorgeous mama blogs a "good" mom at least gets her kids to daily adventures at the library or the zoo or some play date. 

But, to the kids it is really just a matter of is mom with us? Yes, ok that's enough for me. To them, it's the simple stuff, the simple joys that come from just being together.

They don't care how much time went into your perfectly plotted craft project or educational zoo trip. Nope, just having you is enough, everything else is just fluff.

Instant oatmeal breakfasts.

Backyard sand box digging.

Early morning snuggles.

Reading the same book 10 times.

Tree climbing.

Lego building.

The simple joys make kids happy.

So, sweet, tired mama don't worry if today or this week you don't get much farther than your own backyard. It's enough, you are enough. 

You have nothing to prove, you are loved and needed and the giving of yourself is all they need today, every day.