{The Child We Lost: Making Sense of Miscarriage}

A little over month ago I experienced a loss I hoped I would never have to navigate, the loss of our child, one we never got to meet face-to-face.

Miscarriage. A word I have used to describe a loss that is indescribable. A word that has defined the grief and numbness that has coursed through my heart and mind for the last month. How do I mourn a child I carried, but never held? How do I talk about someone I loved so deeply, but never spoke to? It's a loss unlike any I have experienced and at times I find myself so overwhelmed by the complexity and senselessness of it- why, why, why?


It just doesn't make sense. There are no answers. We are left, like so many who lose a loved one, blindly reaching through this darkness, wondering how to move forward, how to live with the not knowing. I think any time you lose someone, the shock and confusion and pain of it all can overwhelm and undertake you. But, then you look at photos, you have memories, you realize that, yes, they really did exist- you have something to grasp on to, even if it feels loose and distant. You have people to share that pain with, the heaviness of the loss, the memories. But, with pregnancy loss, you don't have any of that. Yes, my husband very much feels the depth of our loss, he aches and struggles and wrestles with the whys. But, it's just us. It's isolating and confusing and unbearable at times.


We've been so blessed to have a couple very close friends wrap their arms and prayers around us and family that has stepped in to lighten our burden as well. All of that has held us up and kept us pushing forward in hope. There are not words to describe our thankfulness for them.


A close friend asked me in the midst of my miscarriage, was I mad at God? I thought, that would make sense, but I never once felt that. In the senselessness of it all, I never once questioned or blamed God-and for me, I guess that was my comfort, my hope...that even in the greatness of this loss, my God was still good, still loving and still with me. It was the only thing that DID make sense.


As I wake up morning after morning, finding joy has never been more within my reach. The contrasting pain that aches deep reminds me with a glaring joy to seek out the goodness before me, to hope for and seek out the eternal, lasting things before anything else. To know that I have such a treasure waiting for me in heaven, that is a sweetness unlike any other. While it does't make sense in this life, I have the assurance of a God who is in complete and utter control, who makes sense of the senseless and brings beauty from the mess. One day death will be no more, one day our tears will be dried and we will be together, no more hurt, just the fullness of Love surrounding us. I can't think of anything more valuable and hope filled than that.


I share all of this, because I know miscarriage is a silent pain shared by so many women, and if my story can be healing to one woman out there than it was well worth it. He's with us, in our hurting and in our rejoicing. When nothing makes sense, he remains, solid and eternal and always good.


As I move through this grief, I plan to write and share more and hope that my story will speak to someone. We aren't alone in this senselessness, this water swelling up, the pain threatening to take us under-- we are held up, by each other, by a God who will never let us drown when we reach out to Him.

Much love,

Sarah

{He Already Knows}

It has been months since I have sat down to write, so many things have begun and ended and snuck onto the pages of my days.

A few nights ago, I woke up to the grunting of a hungry baby. The house was quite, except for he and I quietly rocking in the well loved rocker. His long eye lashes fluttered and I prayed to never forget this moment just as it was. 

And then, so gently, as it always is- the feather light whisper of a call to write it all down again, persevere it for the day when my boys can understand and together we can taste and see the goodness that was always with us. 

These are bone weary days. Fear has crept into my home, my heart. Uncertainty and worry threaten my steps daily. As I seek to keep my eyes focused on what is true and lasting, I am comforted by this: 

He already knows.

One of our little men has been fighting a quite, faceless battle in his little body for almost a year- one we can not see or give a name.

We have been blessed beyond measure with doctors who care deeply, refuse to give up and astound me with the depth of their knowledge and skill. But, even they can not call it by name right now. 

At times, the fear, the overwhelming hopeless pricks of the unknown bring me to my knees in worry, the tears burn hot on my cheeks and remind me of how fragile our human bodies are in this broken world. 

And then again,so softly the words brush my thoughts in the loneliness of the wee morning:

He already knows.

When as faulty, broken, arms flailing humans we search desperate for an answer, there is One greater than us, than this darkness creeping in, who knows. He sees the places we have not yet ventured. He knows us, created us bit by bit, and nothing is lost to Him. 

He knows, He knows, He knows...

As I press on into this new day, there is renewed hope, there is comfort in knowing that as we wonder through these dark days He sees us, He knows us, He gave himself for us so that even when we walk through the valley we can fear no evil. We rest in the promise that when every thing feels broken, we are safe in His arms.

Though our bodies may fail us, we know there is more. There is nothing that can separate us from His Love, the eternal parts of us can never be taken. Fear can not find us there, sickness can not taint that part of us, we are more, we are His. 

We are known and always have been, intimately by the One who sees and know it all- and loves us still. 

What Did You Make?

I like things clean, organized, in their place.

But, with three little ones 3 & under, it is not a consistent trend in our house.

Last night I spent a good hour cleaning up & organizing the play room---toy vegetables separated from toy fruits, legos in their bin, puzzles organized by type and size...you know, all the things a 3 year old and two 1 years find to be most important ;)

Then, this morning as I woke up to a clean, organized house I smiled & felt like all was right in the world.

{Judah didn't agree.}

When he saw the play room in all it's color-coded organized glory he was disgusted.

"What did you do, Mama?!" He said throwing his little arms up in protest.

He proceeded to tell me he had "a lot of work to do" and would I "please get him some breakfast?"

Groggy, half awake & still flying high from my rush of organization adrenaline I went to the kitchen to get my coffee started and some breakfast for the kids.

Judah was so quiet in the other room that I was easily distracted and got caught up in reading the Willy Street Co-Op Monthly that before I realized it my coffee was done, paper read & 30 minutes had passed.

I was startled out of my moment of quiet when I heard two little voices calling "Mama" from upstairs.

As I made my way through the dining room into the living room and around the corner I began to hear lots of clanking, the sound of wood & plastic making a crashing symphony from the play room.

Hmmm, Judah must be really enjoying the newly organized play room.

Oh, he was!

When I walked into the room I saw him hard at work destroying enjoying his play room.

Before I could let out an exasperated moan Judah had turned around with a huge, proud smile on his face pointing to the enormous mound of toys he was hauling and dumping into his tent.

"Look, Mama! Look what I MADE!"

Isn't perspective funny?

I saw a giant mess, all my hard work for nothing. He saw an opportunity, a chance to make something that mattered.

What I wanted to say was, "Why?! Why did you have to make such a huge mess after I just cleaned this all up?"

But the look on his sweet face, the joy that poured from his eyes was enough to make me see that he didn't just make a mess....he made something. 

So, instead I asked, "what did you make?"

He was thrilled to explain that he had made a "beautiful tower" for me, so that we could "climb to the top and fly!" Hands on his hips, he looked to me asking with his eyes, Mama, are you proud of me, do you like it?

My heart melted. I snapped out of my selfish desire for organized wooden produce and saw that my son was thinking about me, he was thinking about creating beauty, bringing joy to another person.

What a sweet blessing he is, yet again reminding me that life is not about doing it is about creating, enjoying, giving. It is about finding opportunities to add to the beauty, to join with God to create something that brings joy and gives life.

As a mom I tend to get so wrapped up in all my things that "need to get done" that I forget I don't serve a God who does, but a God who IS. A God who creates, who gives, who loves. I forget that is what he wants me to do too. I am so thankful that He allows me to learn through those so fresh from his hands, from my sweet little sons that still live to bring beauty and create things that matter, that live to just be and not do.

 I pray that I can start to see more daily the things our lives are making and not just what we are doing or not doing, to see life through their eyes, through His eyes and not my own.

Because, in the words of Sarah Groves " I just want to add to the beauty, to tell a better story." I want to create something beautiful with this life, with my family. Today, I am going to stop doing so much and ask "what can I make with today?"

One Year

One year ago today began one of the toughest challenges of my life. As I look back and reflect on it I see so much of myself has died. When I say that, what I mean is so much of the ugliness and selfishness in my heart has died, things that before this past year were so  prominent.

As a mother, I have seen what it means to truly lay down my life for another. It comes with the territory. To be an intentional, loving, kind and patient mother you have to give up your "old" self for a    new one, one that puts your children before you always.

It's not easy. I began to see this with Judah, but with the twins it overtook me. I had no choice, I had no time to stop and think about me. The life of a mother is a life of service.

Although it may seem, from the outside to be not a joyful thing, I truly count it as joy. This last  year of intense loneliness, struggle to make it through the day, wondering how I could ever make it a year nursing twins, caring for 3 kids 2 and under was the most intense suffering I have ever known. But, through it I have come to know and understand God so deeply.

Jesus came to serve and give his life. To live a life that is fully in service to others, to my children, has brought me to a closer understanding of Christ. To daily lay down my life for my kids becomes easier when I think of how Christ lay down His life for me. To die to myself daily and in some small way experience the death of Jesus is life altering.

"Every day we experience something of the death of Jesus, so we also may show the power of Jesus."
-2Cor 4:10

Without God, without the example of Jesus in my life this year would have been for loss. But, in my struggle, in my darkest moments I found joy.

When I found out we would be having twins, anxiety and fear overwhelmed me. I wondered why God would think I could handle this, me a perpetual worrier, so unsure of who I was and what I could accomplish. Now, I see. Now I know that God gave me a gift so amazing and beautiful that I could never comprehend how much it has changed my life, I can only see a small bit of the bigger picture, but even that is so much more than I ever imagined.

Ryder & Will & Judah, you are my sweet ones. You have brought so much joy, so much love to my life. Your little lives have changed me to my very core. You have shown me so much of who I am and who God made me to be. I love you to the depths of my soul. You are my treasures.

"Every opportunity and event of our lives provides the chance to learn the deepest lesson anyone can learn on Earth, 'My present life is not that of the old "I", but the living Christ within me."
-Elisabeth Elliot

{the days move on}

The days seem to be slipping away faster and faster,

I'm sure you can relate ;)

Ryder & Will are closing in on their first year and it is bringing on

so many emotions...

trying to savor their last days as babies

looking forward to their {ever} growing independence

looking forward to sleeping again {hopefully}

missing those snuggly newborn days already

loving every little moment of discovery

wanting to pull them in and keep them small awhile longer

Being a mom is so bittersweet. It is such a joy to see your babies grow and learn and become

their own, but it breaks your heart all at the same time to see them slowly need you

less and less. I just love my boys so much.

Judah, oh Judah.

Never has there been such a passionate, life loving, joy seeking little boy. You truly

live up to the meaning of your name, "Praise"---you are such a JOY!

There are many moments of feisty toddler rebellion, but so many more of sweet

moments that you just long to LEARN and soak up life's every opportunity! We are so 

blessed to call you our son and your brothers have such a great example to lead them. We love you 

for exactly who you are and who you will become in the years ahead.

Having 3 little ones has changed our perspectives, our goals,

what we hold most dear. Isn't it funny how you have you whole life

planned out and then these little people come along and none of it makes 

sense anymore? For us, it has been a process of finding out who we are as individuals,

 but before that who are as a family. Every day we get a little closer. God is so

good and so gracious with us.

There are some big changes on the horizon, some we never considered before

but we are so excited for the next big adventure {God Willing} in the new

year. I can't wait to share what it is.

Oh, these days are so sweet and so precious. They move on and on and on

 and one day I will wake up and they will be gone. I have been thinking

so much about that lately...what will it be like when I look back

on all my days as an old woman? Will I be happy with how I lived my life,

will I look back and know I cherished all these sweet, crazy days? I so hope I do.

Thank you, Lord, for this life and these sweet boys and my incredible husband. It has been 

one of the toughest years of my life, but one that has grown and taught me

so much. I can not wait to see our boys grow and learn and love. I pray our family would

only grow closer to You and love so deeply those around us. Thank you for this year, for all

these sleepless nights and long days, for every moment that has stretched me and grown me

in ways I otherwise never would have. I am so thankful for a God who knows my every need.

The days move on, don't let them slip by with out fully living in every messy moment :) Here's to a great year ahead, 2013.

{a story of love}

This is a story of love. One that is kept secret, misunderstood, misused, shouted from the roof tops, lived and died for....it is our story.

I am a Christian. 

{If you are not or if the very word makes you want to stop reading right now, please keep reading}.

The word "Christian" carries so many meanings to many people. It can be a word that brings memories of hate, of unacceptance, of fear.

Unfortunately that is not what Jesus intended for his followers, Christians, to do. Jesus is about love. He is about acceptance.

During this election I have seen many hateful comments from other Christians on the topics of gay rights & abortion especially.

I don't want to get into what is "right" and what is "wrong"---is it my place anyway? No. What I want to stress is that it DOES NOT MATTER what other people choose to do with their lives. We {as Christians} are not called to tell other people what to do, what we are called to do is to LOVE & ACCEPT, because isn't that exactly what Jesus did for us?

We might not see things the same way, but I love you. God loves you. 

I was not always a Christian. I have always been a sinner {and still am}. But, I have always been loved by God. Same goes for each and every person on this planet.

When I chose to follow in Jesus's footsteps I just finished my freshman year of college. I finally saw an acceptance and love I had longed for my whole life. No matter what I do, no matter who I am, God loves me. I learned this while working at a camp for kids with disabilities. They loved me as God did. They didn't care what I had done right or wrong in my life, to them I was valuable and worth loving despite any of it. It still brings me to tears when I think of the way these kids showed the Lord's love to me.

And that is just the point. This is a story of love. 

"I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God, who is sending a love letter to the world."

-Mother Teresa

If we want God to be represented through our lives, we need to start loving people where they are. 

I want to say sorry to you if you have ever been treated without love or respect by a Christian. I want to say sorry if that Christian was ever me.

We are human. We fail. But, God never changes. His love is beyond us, beyond our understanding, unconditional and life changing. If you have never had the chance to experience that kind of love I pray that you would, because God deeply loves every person on this earth and desires to have a relationship with us right where we are.

Without a doubt, finding this love, finding a God who loved me like this has been the single most utterly life changing thing I have ever experienced. 

This is a story of LOVE. 

{My Number One}

::Judah Jay Jacmel::

My first baby

My oldest son

The one who made me "mom"

2.5 years old at the end of this month

Full of curiosity

Full of spirit

Lives life boldly

LOVES: 

.anything with wheels.

.his baby brothers.

.being just like daddy.

.looking for king fishers.

.being outside every minute of the day.

.helping mama make breakfast.

.going to the farm.

.doing puzzles.

.reading with daddy.

.playing his guitar.

Wants to be a cowboy when he grows up..."my gonna be a cowboy, mama!"

Thinks his auntie Heidi lives in an airplane & flies by every day.

Asks for pancakes every morning.

Looks for king fishers wherever he goes.

Escapes from the house to look at the Subarau 10X a day.

Melts my heart when he says, "my love you too."

Makes our life full of adventure.

{Judah means "praise"... & this little boy loves life so deeply and tastes it so fully that his name could not be more perfect for him}

We are so thankful for the sweet little blessing that he is in our life. Although the past 5 months have been some of the most difficult for him and the tantrums have been plentiful, his sweet little spirit always shines through and makes life so very sweet.

We love you, Judah Jay!

{these are the days}

These are the days of...

Sleepless nights.

Sweet Snuggles.

An eternally messy house.

Fuzzy baby heads.

Feeling overwhelmed.

Mountains of laundry.

Lots of giggles.

Many tantrums.

Finger painting at 8am.

Missing our freedom.

Being a family.

Being broke.

Being thankful.

Dreaming about our future...


These are days I don't want to forget. These are the days I want to soak up and live in every moment.


I have had the lyrics of a song stuck in my head this week, " this is your life are you who you want to be?" and I have been (in my constant state of grogginess) trying to answer that question.


There are so many days right now that I MISS the simpleness of just Andrew and I. I remember having quite dinners (before 9pm) and being able to spend time with friends and travel whenever we wanted. I also remember how badly I wanted kids. I remember wishing that the day I would become a mama would come quickly, I wished those {just the 2 of us} years away so often.


It is so sad to me that so much our lives is about wanting what we don't have and then looking back and wishing we had what we did  have. I want to truly enjoy my life NOW. I want to be thankful for my sassy toddler and his constant curiosity...and for my two sweet babes who want to be held constantly. I know I will look back on this stage of my life and long for it. When that happens I want to feel confident that I soaked it all in and LIVED in those moments. I know that there are so many ways I can grow and learn in the years to come, but right now I want to be satisfied with who I am and where I am in life.


Maybe most people already realize this, maybe they don't. I can only speak for myself and encourage others to stop and evaluate.


In many ways I am not who I want to be. I get down on myself so often and wish I could be a better mom, wife, friend, daughter, sister, ect. All I know for sure though, is that I am where I am supposed to be right now giving it my all.... and that should be enough.


Life is short. We don't know how many days we have left or what the future will bring. So, be who you want to be today. Love your life now.


{these are the days}

{Losing Sleep}

I am losing sleep.

Not because I am the mom of 11 week old twins.

Not because I have a two year old.

Not because we are moving in 7 days.

Not because I have a million and one things to do.

But, because I am full of JOY and ANTICIPATION for our future.

I have learned SO much over the past four weeks, it is surreal.

There have been many moments of shear chaos.

Moments of anger.

Frustration.

Confusion.

Anxiety

Fear.

Moments when I questioned God's plan.

Moments when I leaned on my own understanding and not God.

Moments when I wanted to give up.

Moments when I lost hope.

But through every one of these moments hope has carried me through.

The hope I have in a God that will never abandon of forsake me.

The hope that He has something more, something better in store for me.

And today, I am so filled with JOY.

So excited to see where the Lord will take me in the months ahead.

I have rarely felt this DEEP trust in God...

I have struggled for so long with just letting go completely...

with letting Him have control fully.

But, slowly He has worked my hard heart into something moldable.

Something useable.

Something I am freely willing to give up.

And it is the absolute BEST feeling I have ever experienced in my life.

And  that is enough to make me lose sleep.

I can't wait to share more about what I have learned and where the Lord is leading me.

{Endurance}

I have heard over and over this past month that,

"God will not give you more than you can handle"

and I have smiled, knowing that this is true...

but at the same time, wondering just HOW much that was.

"God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength but with your testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it" (1 Corinthians 10:13)

Many times over the last year I have felt that I was being tested beyond my strength,

but the past four weeks have been exceptionally trying.

When we found out we were having twins about 9 months ago I thought I would never be able to do it. I was terrified. I wondered how I would do it, how we would make it. At the time I had no idea, but now 10 weeks into their tiny new lives I find myself overjoyed and loving every minute of it. The rewards have proven to far outweigh the hardships. God has given me an incredible honor in this and has shown me that I CAN endure and overcome and rejoice in my trials!

I have never felt the weight of the world on my shoulders more than I do now.

Between Andrew and I we are,

Raising a 2 year old

Raising 10 week old twins

Starting a farm

Running a photography business

Running a health & wellness business

Working 80 plus hours a week

Buying our first home (with less than 30 days to do it)

Packing, packing, packing

In between all this we are finding time to sometimes: eat dinner, take a shower, and maybe sleep a few hours.

LIFE. IS. CRAZY.

Our strength is waining. Our patience is borderline.

Every day a new challenge seems to creep in

and every day I wonder,

"how much more can we take before we break?!"

But, we are holding on to the knowledge that God WILL NOT give us more than we can take. He WILL lead us out of our troubles & we will come out so much stronger.

I can not wait to look back on this month and see all that we have learned and how much we have grown.

God is good. He is faithful to His promises.

I am so thankful to have a heavenly Father who loves me so.

Because of this I do not fear any trials that may come up ahead....and I know there will be many and all we are experiencing now is giving us strength to someday meet those trails.

My heart overflows as I give thanks for this beautiful, crazy life.

{Old Old Fashioned}

Life is moving at a fast pace for us and it does not seem to have any intentions of slowing down anytime soon :)

This past Sunday we found out that the plans we had for our move at the end of April were not going to work out like we thought.

We felt let down.

Discouraged.

Angry.

Helpless.

We would have to move from the neighborhood we have loved for the past 3 years and we didn't know where we would go.

We still don't know for sure, but things are looking a little brighter.

It's funny how you think you have everything under control, have all your life plans figured out for the near future...and then BAM. You are thrown off course, wondering what the heck you are going to do with this mess you are in.

It is times like this that I have to sit back and remind myself that I am not in control.

God is.

It is in these moments that I am reminded my life is not my own.

And in a lot of ways, that is so reassuring. If God is in control, what do I have to worry about?

Well, if your me, you are a hard nut to crack and you really like to be in control. And you also like to worry.

Stupid.

Well, I am trying to let go. Trying to have faith that God has better plans in store for us.

And it has not been easy.

We have gotten our hopes up and had the door slammed in our face a few times already.

And each time it has pushed me to give up a little more control and hold on to the faith that I know God would never leave us hanging.

Yesterday we found a house.

A place that felt like it could be home.

Everything about it felt so right.

I prayed, "Lord, please let this be it. Let it work out. I want this so much."

But, at the same time I am afraid to get my hopes up too much...

But, why would it feel so right if it were not the house for us?

it is beautiful.

123 yrs old.

full of character.

full of stories.

i can picture our 3 boys growing up and filling the rooms with memories.

i can see us having dinner in the dining room.

climbing the giant willow tree in the back yard.

canning our summer harvest in the kitchen.

Please pray for us as we go through the process of buying a home for the first time. Pray that things go smoothly & quickly. Pray that we would trust that this is God's plan & not ours.

We are so thankful for the blessing of our family who has been helping us every step of the way.

We can not wait to get "Old Old Fashion" and move out of town, start our farm, live in a beautiful old home....and live the dreams God has on our hearts!

Two Hearts

two hearts.

Andrew, Judah & I went to my first OB appointment together, excited to see our new baby on the first ultrasound. We somewhat knew what to expect from having Judah, so we were prepared and ready for all the "usual" first appointment tests and information. Little did we know :)

When the nurse came out to get us she brought us right back for the ultrasound. She was so sweet and helped Judah carry his legos and a little chair he HAD to have from the waiting room. When we got into the tiny dark room Judah lost it and from there on Andrew was preoccupied with keeping Judah calm. When the ultrasound started Andrew was all but paying attention to what was going on.

The nurse asked how I had been feeling & I told her SO sick, SO tired, SO different from when I was pregnant with Judah. "Hmmm" she said. As she started the ultrasound I was looking back and forth between the screen and Judah tossing legos around the room. Suddenly my eyes fixed on the screen. Something looked...strange. I saw two black circles with two little wiggly things & thought "what am I seeing?" The nurse said "Oh!" and I immediately knew and started to say "oh my God, no, no, no!" I was laughing and crying at the same time! Poor Andrew didn't know what was going on until the nurse said "do twins run in your family?" He said "no way! Judah, there are TWO babies...two babies!"

Twins do not run in my family (comes from the mother's side) so I never expected to ever have twins! It was a HUGE shock. I felt dizzy, confused, excited, terrified...it didn't feel real! As we walked to the exam room I couldn't hear anything anyone was saying. All I could hear was "TWINS...TWINS...TWINS!"

As we waited for the doctor to come in I stared at the wall, trying to digest this news. I thought I was prepared and knew what to expect...but, oh my, this was a whole new thing, something I never ever considered. When my doctor appeared in the door way (the same one that I saw with Judah) she had a huge smile on her face. She started talking right away about my "high risk pregnancy" c-sections, preterm babies, bed rest. My head was pounding. My hands were sweating. I LOVE my doctor, but all this information was too much for one day! At one point I asked her, "could you stop using the word "twins"?" As we left the office she said, "your going to love it!"

It took a few days to comprehend. Telling people made it feel real. I told Andrew I am 50% terrified and 50% excited. I am a worrier and my doctor gave me a whole list of things to stress about. Everyone at the doctor's made twins seem like a high risk, wild & crazy event. But, I am trying to remind myself that everything is in God's hands. He intended it. He created two little hearts, beating & growing. It is a miracle & a blessing and He had planned these two little babies for us from the beginning. I want to remember every moment of the next (6-7) months because never again will I have TWO hearts beating & growing in my belly.

These two sweet babies are adding to the beauty...this is the beginning of their story.