{i can do hard things}

Today was one of those days that sucks the life out of you.

One of those days where all your plans sizzle in a pile of ashes.

One of those days where you choose to have faith or not.

One of those days where you realize you are not in control.


Over the last two years of plan crushing moments I have let the eb and flow of life take me under, let fear be my life's theme. There have been moments where my head bobs above the water and I see clearly the blessings in dark waters, but many times I let the "what if's" steal my joy and take me back under.

Life is stressful. That's a fact for all of us. But, for me it has been so saturated in fear, worry and regrets much of the time...and that is not truly living, it is surviving.

Daily, I try not to conform to what the rest of the world says are good things, what are the things to live for and strive for---but, somehow I keep putting my hope in them...and I keep getting disappointed.

Hope in my bank account.

Hope in accomplishments.

Hope in good works.

Hope in "the next best thing".

Hope in nothing.

Again, we had our hopes tangled up in what looked best to us, what would make life easier or better. We were so sure that maybe this time our blessing would come. Maybe just this once things could go our way, be easier.

But, the answer came like a dagger : NO.

Our plans are not always God's plans and sometimes that reality just stings.

Right now I look ahead and I don't see how anything could possibly work out. The water is threatening to fill my lungs, fear beckons at my heart again like a long lost friend.

And yet, there is another voice, one much gentler and steadier reminding me "you can do hard things."

oh, the sweetness of truth.

My immediate jerk reaction is to say no, no I can't! I am weak. I am a failure. I'm not strong enough.

But, as I stop and reflect over all of the "plan crushing" that has occurred over the last few years I see a trend of overcoming, of growing, of learning more and more where my true hope and joy lie.

And then I remember that nothing beautiful or good or life giving ever comes easy, or the way we want or plan it to. Never.

Good stories never come without trial.

Good stories never come without pain.

Good stories don't come without sacrifice.

Good stories don't come from a life given over to fear.

So, today I am going to stop letting this theme of fear guide me and swim in the opposite direction where I know there will be dry land, where I know there will be hope.

Today I am going to choose joy in the midst of disappointment.

Today I am going move forward, letting my life & plans slip through my hands like the dust that they are.

Today, I am going to remember the voice telling me I can do hard things.

Today I am going to see that my blessings have never come in the way I thought they would.

{My Life's Theme}

Last month we invited a group of close friends to join us in going through Donald Miller's Storyline process.

{from the Storyline blog at Storylineblog.com}

Storyline takes you through a process of examining your life as a story. It is "based on the formula screenwriters and novelists use to create stories." The whole process is broken up into 8 sections, helping you examine your story thus far and chart out what's ahead.

It is about living a better story, using your positive and negative experiences to see that they have all been building you up for something greater, for a greater role in the overall story of God.

From Storyline, "We believe your story was a blank page given to you by God and to write a great story on that page is a noble pursuit and a gift to the world."

What a beautiful way to look at life, as a a story. When I heard about Storyline I knew it was something I had to do and had to share with others, because if we were all living in the knowledge that our life is a story and a story that really matters, how different would the world be?

Last night our group got together and started the Storyline Process. It is supposed to be an 8 week format when done in a small group, but because we all have crazy busy lives {and who doesn't?!} we are stretching it out over more like 4 months.

The first section is all about what has your story been so far? What have been the major turning points in your life? How have these things shaped you and how can the negative points be redeemed for something greater?

Because I am facilitating the group I had already gone through the first part and started mapping out my life up until now. It was really sobering, to see your whole life just out there, all the hurts and all the joys mingling together in a familiar pattern of ups and downs.

The hardest part for me? Realizing my life's theme.

It is one thing to know you have deep struggles and then push them aside for another day, but it is completely painful to set it all out and know that it has been too long that this one thing {or more} has had too much control over your story.

For me, that thing is fear.

As I looked back over the positive and negative turns of my life scratched out in pencil across the page a lump formed in my throat.

How much time have I spent fearing?

They won't accept me.

Everyone I love will die.

I have nothing to offer.

There is no hope for me.

I can not measure up to God's standards.

I am not strong enough.

I can't do it.

What will they think of me?

Everything is out of my hands...

Anxiety. Depression. Loneliness...all products of a fear deep in my heart for so many years.

Even as a little girl I can remember that deep fear taking root in my little heart. And over the years it has grown and grown and grown. Don't get me wrong, there have been many good things and positive turns in my life, but I just can't shake this theme of fear that has dominated my story for so long.

As I sit here today, on this gloomy, cold and rainy Monday afternoon I am overcome with something unfamiliar, something greater than fear.....hope.

Hope that my story is not done yet, hope that all these years of fearfulness can be redeemed for something greater.

As I was reading my Bible and praying for a fresh start and a new perspective I stumbled upon Lamentations 5: {Taken from The Message, italics mine}

"We're nothing but slaves to sin, to fear, to darkness...
We sold ourselves...
The joy is gone from our hearts...
Oh, that we never sinned or fell victim to fear
We are heartsick because of this..
BUT, You are sovereign still,
Give us a fresh start!"

Words that could have been straight from my heart....and words that promise hope because God is sovereign, He has complete authority over the good and bad. He can and will redeem us from the darkness and struggles.

Join me. Find your story, find a fresh start and a new perspective on this journey of life, a story that you only have one chance to write.

The great thing about Storyline is it is for everyone. Even if you don't believe there is a God, you probably believe that life is about something more than just you. I highly encourage everyone to look into it and follow me along here on my blog as I go through the process. Please don't hesitate to contact me if you have any questions or would like help getting started or going through the process yourself.

What Did You Make?

I like things clean, organized, in their place.

But, with three little ones 3 & under, it is not a consistent trend in our house.

Last night I spent a good hour cleaning up & organizing the play room---toy vegetables separated from toy fruits, legos in their bin, puzzles organized by type and size...you know, all the things a 3 year old and two 1 years find to be most important ;)

Then, this morning as I woke up to a clean, organized house I smiled & felt like all was right in the world.

{Judah didn't agree.}

When he saw the play room in all it's color-coded organized glory he was disgusted.

"What did you do, Mama?!" He said throwing his little arms up in protest.

He proceeded to tell me he had "a lot of work to do" and would I "please get him some breakfast?"

Groggy, half awake & still flying high from my rush of organization adrenaline I went to the kitchen to get my coffee started and some breakfast for the kids.

Judah was so quiet in the other room that I was easily distracted and got caught up in reading the Willy Street Co-Op Monthly that before I realized it my coffee was done, paper read & 30 minutes had passed.

I was startled out of my moment of quiet when I heard two little voices calling "Mama" from upstairs.

As I made my way through the dining room into the living room and around the corner I began to hear lots of clanking, the sound of wood & plastic making a crashing symphony from the play room.

Hmmm, Judah must be really enjoying the newly organized play room.

Oh, he was!

When I walked into the room I saw him hard at work destroying enjoying his play room.

Before I could let out an exasperated moan Judah had turned around with a huge, proud smile on his face pointing to the enormous mound of toys he was hauling and dumping into his tent.

"Look, Mama! Look what I MADE!"

Isn't perspective funny?

I saw a giant mess, all my hard work for nothing. He saw an opportunity, a chance to make something that mattered.

What I wanted to say was, "Why?! Why did you have to make such a huge mess after I just cleaned this all up?"

But the look on his sweet face, the joy that poured from his eyes was enough to make me see that he didn't just make a mess....he made something. 

So, instead I asked, "what did you make?"

He was thrilled to explain that he had made a "beautiful tower" for me, so that we could "climb to the top and fly!" Hands on his hips, he looked to me asking with his eyes, Mama, are you proud of me, do you like it?

My heart melted. I snapped out of my selfish desire for organized wooden produce and saw that my son was thinking about me, he was thinking about creating beauty, bringing joy to another person.

What a sweet blessing he is, yet again reminding me that life is not about doing it is about creating, enjoying, giving. It is about finding opportunities to add to the beauty, to join with God to create something that brings joy and gives life.

As a mom I tend to get so wrapped up in all my things that "need to get done" that I forget I don't serve a God who does, but a God who IS. A God who creates, who gives, who loves. I forget that is what he wants me to do too. I am so thankful that He allows me to learn through those so fresh from his hands, from my sweet little sons that still live to bring beauty and create things that matter, that live to just be and not do.

 I pray that I can start to see more daily the things our lives are making and not just what we are doing or not doing, to see life through their eyes, through His eyes and not my own.

Because, in the words of Sarah Groves " I just want to add to the beauty, to tell a better story." I want to create something beautiful with this life, with my family. Today, I am going to stop doing so much and ask "what can I make with today?"