{Late Night Waiting}

With Andrew working full time and in Grad School, Judah and I find ourselves with many mid-week late nights together up waiting for Andrew to come home.

Andrew is Judah's best bud and he can absolutely not end his day without seeing his daddy. And I don't fight it because it means something, their relationship is more important than a consistent bedtime right now.

And so I find myself doing a lot of late night waiting with my 3 year old which consist of:

Lots of games of Candy Land

Lots of snugly book reading (our library checkout list is currently at 115 books!)

Busy bag activities (planning a post on these soon, I made about 40 last month and they have been so great for keeping Judah entertained)

Movie watching (our current favorite is anything Charlie Brown) you can see by his face that we are nearing the end of our late night waiting ;)

On these late nights of waiting something special is happening, in the waiting we are making memories together, just a boy and his mama waiting for their favorite person in the world to come home. I love it. Although this is a tough season in our life, we are finding joy in the waiting. 

And the waiting is so worth it...

Our joy is complete :)

{Why Relationships Matter}

Every day our minds are burdened with all we need to do, places we need to go, things we have to accomplish.

I catch myself so often moving from one task to the next, our days laid out in a well organized sequence of things "to do."

I find myself saying "just a minute", and "in a second" or "just let me finish this one thing" too many times in a day.

A friend might call to visit, my 3 year old might ask to go to the park or my husband wants to just talk an catch up on our day....but, I am too busy.

And then there are times I long to see a friend I have not connected with in weeks or months or maybe I want to read a book with my 3 year old or talk to my husband and they are suddenly too busy.

We are all too busy. We are all distracted by things that fade away. We are lured by the immediate and forget the eternal, lasting things.

Our lists of things to do will never end, the distractions will never cease. But what will remain at the end of our lives? What will last?

Relationships.

We all have them, both good and bad. Shallow and deep. They exist and they matter, more so than anything on our "to do" lists.

I often ask my 3 year old when he is frustrated with his brothers or a friend "what is more important the person or the thing?" His answer is always "the person." He gets it.

Me? Not so much.

It seems so obvious, I know. Of course people matter more than things, most of us know this. But, are we truly grasping and living out this knowledge?

I think if we were, the world would be such a different place than it is now.

I have been struggling with this a lot lately, realizing how many of my relationships are on the back burner. And I see how deeply it alters me to the core when I put my "to do's" or my own needs before the people around me.

Instead of calling up a friend, I am cleaning the kitchen.

Instead of playing a game with Judah, I am shopping online for new shoes for him.

Instead of having a new neighbor over for dinner, I am stressing about how much work we need to do on our backyard landscaping.

Instead of late night talks with my husband, I am reorganizing the play room {again}.

I am trying to keep our life clean, organized and moving along. I am trying to find ways to make our life better or easier.

And in the process I am missing the main point of this life.

I am forgetting that none of this "stuff" really adds up to much in the end.

It's the people, the depth of my relationships that contain infinite value.

So tonight I am letting the laundry pile up more than normally "acceptable", I am putting away my list of things undone, letting the dust do it's own thing and embracing the sweet souls in front of me.

I hope your weekend is full of amazing moments with the ones you love and that maybe just this once nothing gets checked off the list but time together.

Days That Melt Away

The summer days have melted away faster than I thought they would, but the memories have left sticky little handprints all over my heart.

I've missed writing/blogging, but it was good to just be in those moments and let the memories be enough. 

I barely even clicked my shutter this summer. There are maybe a few hundred photos to document our many road trips, backyard campouts, visits with family and just the general day to day sweetness that was our summer.

With the pressure of needing to "capture" every moment, we sometimes forget to be in the moment.

As I sit and reflect on the memories of the summer, a few come to mind. Nothing extraordinary, but just a lot of every day ordinary, messy, {sometimes loud} and wonderful moments:

Late night drives to the lake {with soundly sleeping babes in the back} and long conversations for Andrew and I.

Hiking, exploring, diving off the old dock, rainy afternoon forts indoors, hot muggy nights spent in the screen tent waiting for a storm to break the heat, catching wiggly fish...

Road trips to see grandparents and extended family.

A special week with Uncle Jack {Andrew's brother through his birth Mom}

And then a week with Aunt Shaley & Ella {Andrew's sisters through his birth Dad}

Giant, sun ripened harvests from our garden

And many delicious meals from said ripe harvests :)

There were many games of peek-a-boo, hide and seek, Candyland, and Go Fish

And thankfully {for mama} there were plenty of nice, long afternoon naps

I hope your summer was just as packed with good memories!

I look forward to getting back to writing and reflecting on what I am learning on this crazy journey called life on my blog this fall.

{Getting There}

Up ahead he was running, pointing and yelling out "directions" from his "map."

"And when you see the struction' workers go THAT way. Then when that lady RIGHT THERE moves out of my way we can go dis way."

The park was maybe a 10 minute walk from our house, but we had been trying to get there for almost 30 minutes now and I was getting frustrated more and more by my little "guide".

Before we left he had made a "map" to get to the park, a mess of colored scribbles, which he said would get us there the "best" way. In that moment his ambition and creativity pulled on my heart...but 30 minutes into our adventure I was getting hot, sweaty and impatient to get to our destination.

"STOP!" he yelled, putting his chubby little arm up, bringing our giant double stroller to a screeching halt, screeching twin babies and all.

"Ok, Judah, we just need to walk faster. Can we keep moving?" I pleaded, trying not to show how frustrated I was getting.

But he saw through it and he was not happy.

"Mama. Right now we are getting there. Right now we gotta find the wood-packer. That's my favorite bird kind. When we find him, then we will go."

Ok, I thought, if I am waiting for a "wood-packer" to show up, we are never getting there.

And just as quickly as that thought crossed my mind, the invisible "wood-packer" flew in and landed on Judah's arm and we were on our way again.

Why do I doubt the infinite wisdom and imagination of the 3 year old? :)

Again, 30 seconds later, he was stopped and getting down on the sidewalk to look hopefully up into the cloudy grey sky. Now, we were waiting for the sunshine to come out to keep moving.

"Mama, you gotta sit wif me and look for the sun. When it comes then we will go over that way, by the mailman truck, that is the most faster way to the park." He smiled.

His smile was too sweet to pass up, so I found myself on my back staring hopefully into a grey sea of clouds, praying for a glimpse of the sun so we could be on our way.

Judah looked over at me and reassured me it was coming, it maybe was just going potty.

The babies squealed from the stroller, they always seemed to find their big brother's antics amusing.

I realized in that moment that I was so thankful that Ryder and Will had such a passionate big brother to guide them on this journey and more importantly through the real journey of this life.

He understood it was the journey that mattered, it made the getting there all the sweeter.

And when the sun finally did come back from it's potty break, so did my attitude.

I peeled myself up off the sidewalk, knowing these days of my journey would be over before I knew it. So, I followed my "guide" and we made it to the park in just under an hour.

It may have been the longest route, the slowest and pokiest way I have ever gone, but I saw more detail along the way that I had sped past so many other times along the same route.

I saw the "nice grandma planting flowers" who smiled warmly as we passed, "the crunchy grass" sweet with the smell of summer, "the giant fuzzy monster"/ adorable lab puppy handing out free kisses.

I saw myself, pressing through my days lately with the "end" in sight, motivated by a night of sleep or a long weekend. I saw myself missing out on the moments as they came, brushing them off as I sped through this draining and sometimes monotonous season of my life.

The sweetness and innocent perspective of my 3 year old son had once again pulled me back to reality, to the reality that this journey is good and these moments are what matters. The destination is good, but it will never be as beautiful as it could be without investing right here and now along this journey, moment by moment.

And, let me tell you, as that park came up over the hilltop it had never looked more glorious and that creaky old park bench had never felt better.

So, today friends, stop looking ahead and look right where you are....it is so so good.

Enjoy the journey, we'll get there soon enough :)

{To All The Mothers}

It's Mother's Day.

A day to celebrate the women in our lives that nurture, support, give life, sacrifice and love so deeply.

As I sat this morning thinking about all the women in my life who I appreciate on this day, more than just Mamas came to mind.

Mother's Day is not just a day to celebrate the women in our lives who have raised us or given birth to us. It is more. It is about all of the women who give of themselves, who fill that "mother" role in our lives in so many different ways.

I think of the women who have not yet had the chance to raise babies of their own. Who long so deeply to give and nurture a child that calls them "mama." I think of how their love and desire is so deep that it overflows to all areas of their lives, of how they pour that love on those around them. How they listen, support and give of themselves in anticipation of that day when they will hold a baby of their own.

I think of how we need to give thanks for them, tell them how much we appreciate their mother's hearts. Tell them how loved and beautiful they are.

I think of all the women who daily "mother" children that are not their own. Of teachers, child care providers, nannies. Women whose hearts have countless rooms in them for every child they so selflessly give to.

Thank you. Thank you for loving children that maybe do not feel that love from their own homes, for loving children simply because they matter, simply because your heart can not help but expand just a little more. You are so deeply appreciated.

I think of women who lead Bible studies or support groups, who give of their time and energy to lift up and support women in their lives. Women who truly listen. Women who respond to every text, phone call and email, offering support and encouragement. All of this, with a true Mother's heart.

Thank you. Thank you for loving and supporting and giving the best of you. Thank you for being a Mother in so many ways to so many women. You are loved and cherished.

And I think of Mamas like myself, in the midst of raising little ones. Of Moms who wonder if what they are doing really matters. Of Mamas who feel alone sometimes, who feel exhausted, who give every ounce of their waking moments to their babies. You are not alone and what you do does not go unnoticed. You matter so very much. You are making an impact on eternity. You are amazing and so so loved.

I think of Mothers who children have long since grown, who are now grandmothers or even great grandmothers. I think of how the legacy of love they have given has grown exponentially, of how their Mother's hearts have left a lasting imprint on history. I think of the many many influential people of our time and the great Mothers who stand firmly behind them. Thank you. Thank you for giving of your whole life to love your children, of loving them through every stage of life, of never forgetting the sweet babies they once were and forever loving them like they still are your baby.

I think of single Moms, of Adoptive Moms, of Foster Moms, Step Moms. Of Moms who don't fit that "traditional" Mom definition. Of Moms who put their children before themselves always, who give and give and never cease to love their children. Who never give up, who keep going even on the hardest days. Moms who never give up hope, who truly understand the gift that their babies are and treat them as such. You are incredible, you inspire us. You are loved and appreciated more than you know.

I think of Birth Mothers. Mother's who give of themselves, sacrifice to give their child what they themselves cannot. Of women who give life, joy and love unimaginable to another. Of women who love their babies so deeply and give a piece of their hearts. You are strong, you are loved. You are so appreciated.

Mothers around the world, women who may not be called "Mom," but women who are true mothers, women who need to be acknowledged and loved on this day.

Happy Mother's Day.

You are loved. You are beautiful. Thank You!

What Did You Make?

I like things clean, organized, in their place.

But, with three little ones 3 & under, it is not a consistent trend in our house.

Last night I spent a good hour cleaning up & organizing the play room---toy vegetables separated from toy fruits, legos in their bin, puzzles organized by type and size...you know, all the things a 3 year old and two 1 years find to be most important ;)

Then, this morning as I woke up to a clean, organized house I smiled & felt like all was right in the world.

{Judah didn't agree.}

When he saw the play room in all it's color-coded organized glory he was disgusted.

"What did you do, Mama?!" He said throwing his little arms up in protest.

He proceeded to tell me he had "a lot of work to do" and would I "please get him some breakfast?"

Groggy, half awake & still flying high from my rush of organization adrenaline I went to the kitchen to get my coffee started and some breakfast for the kids.

Judah was so quiet in the other room that I was easily distracted and got caught up in reading the Willy Street Co-Op Monthly that before I realized it my coffee was done, paper read & 30 minutes had passed.

I was startled out of my moment of quiet when I heard two little voices calling "Mama" from upstairs.

As I made my way through the dining room into the living room and around the corner I began to hear lots of clanking, the sound of wood & plastic making a crashing symphony from the play room.

Hmmm, Judah must be really enjoying the newly organized play room.

Oh, he was!

When I walked into the room I saw him hard at work destroying enjoying his play room.

Before I could let out an exasperated moan Judah had turned around with a huge, proud smile on his face pointing to the enormous mound of toys he was hauling and dumping into his tent.

"Look, Mama! Look what I MADE!"

Isn't perspective funny?

I saw a giant mess, all my hard work for nothing. He saw an opportunity, a chance to make something that mattered.

What I wanted to say was, "Why?! Why did you have to make such a huge mess after I just cleaned this all up?"

But the look on his sweet face, the joy that poured from his eyes was enough to make me see that he didn't just make a mess....he made something. 

So, instead I asked, "what did you make?"

He was thrilled to explain that he had made a "beautiful tower" for me, so that we could "climb to the top and fly!" Hands on his hips, he looked to me asking with his eyes, Mama, are you proud of me, do you like it?

My heart melted. I snapped out of my selfish desire for organized wooden produce and saw that my son was thinking about me, he was thinking about creating beauty, bringing joy to another person.

What a sweet blessing he is, yet again reminding me that life is not about doing it is about creating, enjoying, giving. It is about finding opportunities to add to the beauty, to join with God to create something that brings joy and gives life.

As a mom I tend to get so wrapped up in all my things that "need to get done" that I forget I don't serve a God who does, but a God who IS. A God who creates, who gives, who loves. I forget that is what he wants me to do too. I am so thankful that He allows me to learn through those so fresh from his hands, from my sweet little sons that still live to bring beauty and create things that matter, that live to just be and not do.

 I pray that I can start to see more daily the things our lives are making and not just what we are doing or not doing, to see life through their eyes, through His eyes and not my own.

Because, in the words of Sarah Groves " I just want to add to the beauty, to tell a better story." I want to create something beautiful with this life, with my family. Today, I am going to stop doing so much and ask "what can I make with today?"

One Year

One year ago today began one of the toughest challenges of my life. As I look back and reflect on it I see so much of myself has died. When I say that, what I mean is so much of the ugliness and selfishness in my heart has died, things that before this past year were so  prominent.

As a mother, I have seen what it means to truly lay down my life for another. It comes with the territory. To be an intentional, loving, kind and patient mother you have to give up your "old" self for a    new one, one that puts your children before you always.

It's not easy. I began to see this with Judah, but with the twins it overtook me. I had no choice, I had no time to stop and think about me. The life of a mother is a life of service.

Although it may seem, from the outside to be not a joyful thing, I truly count it as joy. This last  year of intense loneliness, struggle to make it through the day, wondering how I could ever make it a year nursing twins, caring for 3 kids 2 and under was the most intense suffering I have ever known. But, through it I have come to know and understand God so deeply.

Jesus came to serve and give his life. To live a life that is fully in service to others, to my children, has brought me to a closer understanding of Christ. To daily lay down my life for my kids becomes easier when I think of how Christ lay down His life for me. To die to myself daily and in some small way experience the death of Jesus is life altering.

"Every day we experience something of the death of Jesus, so we also may show the power of Jesus."
-2Cor 4:10

Without God, without the example of Jesus in my life this year would have been for loss. But, in my struggle, in my darkest moments I found joy.

When I found out we would be having twins, anxiety and fear overwhelmed me. I wondered why God would think I could handle this, me a perpetual worrier, so unsure of who I was and what I could accomplish. Now, I see. Now I know that God gave me a gift so amazing and beautiful that I could never comprehend how much it has changed my life, I can only see a small bit of the bigger picture, but even that is so much more than I ever imagined.

Ryder & Will & Judah, you are my sweet ones. You have brought so much joy, so much love to my life. Your little lives have changed me to my very core. You have shown me so much of who I am and who God made me to be. I love you to the depths of my soul. You are my treasures.

"Every opportunity and event of our lives provides the chance to learn the deepest lesson anyone can learn on Earth, 'My present life is not that of the old "I", but the living Christ within me."
-Elisabeth Elliot

{the days move on}

The days seem to be slipping away faster and faster,

I'm sure you can relate ;)

Ryder & Will are closing in on their first year and it is bringing on

so many emotions...

trying to savor their last days as babies

looking forward to their {ever} growing independence

looking forward to sleeping again {hopefully}

missing those snuggly newborn days already

loving every little moment of discovery

wanting to pull them in and keep them small awhile longer

Being a mom is so bittersweet. It is such a joy to see your babies grow and learn and become

their own, but it breaks your heart all at the same time to see them slowly need you

less and less. I just love my boys so much.

Judah, oh Judah.

Never has there been such a passionate, life loving, joy seeking little boy. You truly

live up to the meaning of your name, "Praise"---you are such a JOY!

There are many moments of feisty toddler rebellion, but so many more of sweet

moments that you just long to LEARN and soak up life's every opportunity! We are so 

blessed to call you our son and your brothers have such a great example to lead them. We love you 

for exactly who you are and who you will become in the years ahead.

Having 3 little ones has changed our perspectives, our goals,

what we hold most dear. Isn't it funny how you have you whole life

planned out and then these little people come along and none of it makes 

sense anymore? For us, it has been a process of finding out who we are as individuals,

 but before that who are as a family. Every day we get a little closer. God is so

good and so gracious with us.

There are some big changes on the horizon, some we never considered before

but we are so excited for the next big adventure {God Willing} in the new

year. I can't wait to share what it is.

Oh, these days are so sweet and so precious. They move on and on and on

 and one day I will wake up and they will be gone. I have been thinking

so much about that lately...what will it be like when I look back

on all my days as an old woman? Will I be happy with how I lived my life,

will I look back and know I cherished all these sweet, crazy days? I so hope I do.

Thank you, Lord, for this life and these sweet boys and my incredible husband. It has been 

one of the toughest years of my life, but one that has grown and taught me

so much. I can not wait to see our boys grow and learn and love. I pray our family would

only grow closer to You and love so deeply those around us. Thank you for this year, for all

these sleepless nights and long days, for every moment that has stretched me and grown me

in ways I otherwise never would have. I am so thankful for a God who knows my every need.

The days move on, don't let them slip by with out fully living in every messy moment :) Here's to a great year ahead, 2013.