{At The Core}

I am an extra sensitive soul.

My husband can verify that as well as my family and close friends.

And I am starting to see that, maybe that isn't such a bad thing.

As a child {and most of my adult life} I have seen it as weakness, a flaw in my code.

It has fed my tendency to give into fear. It has helped define the not-so-healthy "theme of my life" for many years.

There is always a reason behind a life theme & many times it isn't that it is a fault, but a gift or strong point that is simply misdirected.

Being sensitive can bring good or bad.

Being strong willed can bring good or bad.

Being passionate can bring good or bad.

It is a matter of how you use these gifts and a matter of how you view yourself in relation to the things that are so deeply ingrained in the person you are.

I believe that at the core of every person there is an undeniable goodness.

It is a reflection of where we come from, from the hands that shaped us from the very start, intended for beauty and purpose and light.

As I have been working over these things in my heart, once again I see in my children this very truth.

That we are fearfully and wonderfully made.

That when we look at ourselves and see fault it is a reminder to look deeper and see the goodness at the core of it, to always get back to the place where  beauty was intended to flow out and start there again.

When my son, Judah, whose name means "praise," is being loud and over the top wild I can choose to see it as him being disobedient and rude.

But, when I stop and look at the core of him, where I know I will find a soul bursting at the seams with joy, praise & exuberance for life I can remember that I need to help him cultivate that into something that brings goodness to those around him.

I don't want to squelch his joy, push it down back into him as a negative attribute, but give him the means and ability to use it to make the world a sweeter place to be.

And I need that same gentleness when dealing with myself- to see that there is a goodness in how I was created, that being sensitive means more than being afraid or being shy, it means more than being afraid to feel too much.

It means I have the ability to step into another person's pain. 

It means letting myself see beyond the hard exterior and into the real heart behind it.

It means giving my heart all the more and not sheltering it from pain.

It means expressing my sensitive soul in a way that brings truth and beauty to others.

It means loving and accepting who I am at the very core. Because it is there that I will find my deepest connection with the One who weaved it all together from the very start.

I hope that you too can look at yourself and see beyond the faults to a person who is deeply meaningful and needed by this world to the very core.

{My Life's Theme}

Last month we invited a group of close friends to join us in going through Donald Miller's Storyline process.

{from the Storyline blog at Storylineblog.com}

Storyline takes you through a process of examining your life as a story. It is "based on the formula screenwriters and novelists use to create stories." The whole process is broken up into 8 sections, helping you examine your story thus far and chart out what's ahead.

It is about living a better story, using your positive and negative experiences to see that they have all been building you up for something greater, for a greater role in the overall story of God.

From Storyline, "We believe your story was a blank page given to you by God and to write a great story on that page is a noble pursuit and a gift to the world."

What a beautiful way to look at life, as a a story. When I heard about Storyline I knew it was something I had to do and had to share with others, because if we were all living in the knowledge that our life is a story and a story that really matters, how different would the world be?

Last night our group got together and started the Storyline Process. It is supposed to be an 8 week format when done in a small group, but because we all have crazy busy lives {and who doesn't?!} we are stretching it out over more like 4 months.

The first section is all about what has your story been so far? What have been the major turning points in your life? How have these things shaped you and how can the negative points be redeemed for something greater?

Because I am facilitating the group I had already gone through the first part and started mapping out my life up until now. It was really sobering, to see your whole life just out there, all the hurts and all the joys mingling together in a familiar pattern of ups and downs.

The hardest part for me? Realizing my life's theme.

It is one thing to know you have deep struggles and then push them aside for another day, but it is completely painful to set it all out and know that it has been too long that this one thing {or more} has had too much control over your story.

For me, that thing is fear.

As I looked back over the positive and negative turns of my life scratched out in pencil across the page a lump formed in my throat.

How much time have I spent fearing?

They won't accept me.

Everyone I love will die.

I have nothing to offer.

There is no hope for me.

I can not measure up to God's standards.

I am not strong enough.

I can't do it.

What will they think of me?

Everything is out of my hands...

Anxiety. Depression. Loneliness...all products of a fear deep in my heart for so many years.

Even as a little girl I can remember that deep fear taking root in my little heart. And over the years it has grown and grown and grown. Don't get me wrong, there have been many good things and positive turns in my life, but I just can't shake this theme of fear that has dominated my story for so long.

As I sit here today, on this gloomy, cold and rainy Monday afternoon I am overcome with something unfamiliar, something greater than fear.....hope.

Hope that my story is not done yet, hope that all these years of fearfulness can be redeemed for something greater.

As I was reading my Bible and praying for a fresh start and a new perspective I stumbled upon Lamentations 5: {Taken from The Message, italics mine}

"We're nothing but slaves to sin, to fear, to darkness...
We sold ourselves...
The joy is gone from our hearts...
Oh, that we never sinned or fell victim to fear
We are heartsick because of this..
BUT, You are sovereign still,
Give us a fresh start!"

Words that could have been straight from my heart....and words that promise hope because God is sovereign, He has complete authority over the good and bad. He can and will redeem us from the darkness and struggles.

Join me. Find your story, find a fresh start and a new perspective on this journey of life, a story that you only have one chance to write.

The great thing about Storyline is it is for everyone. Even if you don't believe there is a God, you probably believe that life is about something more than just you. I highly encourage everyone to look into it and follow me along here on my blog as I go through the process. Please don't hesitate to contact me if you have any questions or would like help getting started or going through the process yourself.