{He Already Knows}

It has been months since I have sat down to write, so many things have begun and ended and snuck onto the pages of my days.

A few nights ago, I woke up to the grunting of a hungry baby. The house was quite, except for he and I quietly rocking in the well loved rocker. His long eye lashes fluttered and I prayed to never forget this moment just as it was. 

And then, so gently, as it always is- the feather light whisper of a call to write it all down again, persevere it for the day when my boys can understand and together we can taste and see the goodness that was always with us. 

These are bone weary days. Fear has crept into my home, my heart. Uncertainty and worry threaten my steps daily. As I seek to keep my eyes focused on what is true and lasting, I am comforted by this: 

He already knows.

One of our little men has been fighting a quite, faceless battle in his little body for almost a year- one we can not see or give a name.

We have been blessed beyond measure with doctors who care deeply, refuse to give up and astound me with the depth of their knowledge and skill. But, even they can not call it by name right now. 

At times, the fear, the overwhelming hopeless pricks of the unknown bring me to my knees in worry, the tears burn hot on my cheeks and remind me of how fragile our human bodies are in this broken world. 

And then again,so softly the words brush my thoughts in the loneliness of the wee morning:

He already knows.

When as faulty, broken, arms flailing humans we search desperate for an answer, there is One greater than us, than this darkness creeping in, who knows. He sees the places we have not yet ventured. He knows us, created us bit by bit, and nothing is lost to Him. 

He knows, He knows, He knows...

As I press on into this new day, there is renewed hope, there is comfort in knowing that as we wonder through these dark days He sees us, He knows us, He gave himself for us so that even when we walk through the valley we can fear no evil. We rest in the promise that when every thing feels broken, we are safe in His arms.

Though our bodies may fail us, we know there is more. There is nothing that can separate us from His Love, the eternal parts of us can never be taken. Fear can not find us there, sickness can not taint that part of us, we are more, we are His. 

We are known and always have been, intimately by the One who sees and know it all- and loves us still. 

{4 Years}

Tomorrow my sweet boy, the one who made me "Mama" turns 4 years old. How is that possible?! 

My heart aches to see my baby become so grown up, but at the same time brims with joy at the sweet young man he is becoming every day. 

I knew motherhood would shake my heart and soul up in so many ways, but I never expected the intensity and depth of it all. 

It has brought out every fault and weakness in me and amplified it, but has also shown me a strength and love I never knew I was capable of.

Oh, sweet Judah. I love you more than you will ever know, you are an extension of me and an entire new world I don't understand- you are beauty and hope and genuine unrefined life, a sweet reflection of all that really matters in this life. 

On the day you were born you brought not just a new title to my name, but a new life and a new meaning. My life was no longer about me, it was a daily giving of self, a sacrifice and a call to be more than comfortable. 

You are a gift, my greatest calling, my sweet son who I will always put before  myself. You are precious and treasured, you are worth fighting for and worth every  single dream and desire I have given up to be your Mama. You are loved. 

Happy Birthday, my sweet, joy seeking, strong son- May you seek The Lord with all your heart, serve the weak, love deeply and find joy in every season of your life. I love you.