Motherhood & Loneliness

With the holidays over and things a little {less} crazy around here I have been feeling lonely.

Loneliness, it is one of things that I never expected to come along with motherhood. I mean, I am ALWAYS with someone {albeit mostly people age 2 and under}. But, I just always feel alone to some extent.

I have been thinking about it a lot, reading blogs of other mothers & picking up books on this "struggle" of motherhood.

I just never imagined it to be so hard.

I have twins, yes. I have a 2 year old. But, this struggle I feel seems so universal among mothers who have 1, 2, 3 or 6 kids. My life is hard as a mother, but my struggle is the same. So many times I have thought it would be easier if I had only 1 kid or atleast not twins....but, I know it is not true, it is not my kids or your kids or how many we have, but it is simply the daunting day to day reality of simply be a  mom.

I have always wanted to be a mom. I know there are women out there who have dreamed of it their whole lives and then there are some who it happened to unexpectedly. But, I feel like no matter how you happened into being a mom, you just never really can be prepared for what the reality of this title means.

I feel like I am stumbling through this daily learning process, wondering why all the visions and ideas I had about being a mom seem so....distant & so hard to make a reality.

And in the midst of all this wondering about who you are as a mom, you wonder, who am I....who am I outside of being a mom?

We need help. We need each other. There is so much comparison, so much time spent feeling like you just can't get it "right."

I wish there was more support among moms for one another, especially the older generation for the younger. One thing I know I want to do when I have made it through these difficult days of my children being little, is to reach out and support moms who are where I am now.

We live such "connected" lives on Facebook and other social media, but we have never been more disconnected.

Fellow moms, lets be there for each other in our {real} lives. Reach out to another mom because she is probably feeling as lonely as you are. If your kids are older or even out of the house, reach out to a young/new mom, she needs you more than you know.

Being a mom can be lonely, but it doesn't have to be. No one can quite understand you like another mom. We need each other!


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When I heard about this spa weekend away of mentoring and fun from Sally Clarkson & Sarah Mae, I knew I had to try and win this getaway...I need it SO bad! If you know how I feel and would like to join me, let me know, because I can take one friend along if I win! :) I don't have an experienced mom who has reached out to me (and stayed there for me), so this really pulls at my heart.

http://desperatemom.com/spamentoring-weekend-with-sally-clarkson-sarah-mae/

{the days move on}

The days seem to be slipping away faster and faster,

I'm sure you can relate ;)

Ryder & Will are closing in on their first year and it is bringing on

so many emotions...

trying to savor their last days as babies

looking forward to their {ever} growing independence

looking forward to sleeping again {hopefully}

missing those snuggly newborn days already

loving every little moment of discovery

wanting to pull them in and keep them small awhile longer

Being a mom is so bittersweet. It is such a joy to see your babies grow and learn and become

their own, but it breaks your heart all at the same time to see them slowly need you

less and less. I just love my boys so much.

Judah, oh Judah.

Never has there been such a passionate, life loving, joy seeking little boy. You truly

live up to the meaning of your name, "Praise"---you are such a JOY!

There are many moments of feisty toddler rebellion, but so many more of sweet

moments that you just long to LEARN and soak up life's every opportunity! We are so 

blessed to call you our son and your brothers have such a great example to lead them. We love you 

for exactly who you are and who you will become in the years ahead.

Having 3 little ones has changed our perspectives, our goals,

what we hold most dear. Isn't it funny how you have you whole life

planned out and then these little people come along and none of it makes 

sense anymore? For us, it has been a process of finding out who we are as individuals,

 but before that who are as a family. Every day we get a little closer. God is so

good and so gracious with us.

There are some big changes on the horizon, some we never considered before

but we are so excited for the next big adventure {God Willing} in the new

year. I can't wait to share what it is.

Oh, these days are so sweet and so precious. They move on and on and on

 and one day I will wake up and they will be gone. I have been thinking

so much about that lately...what will it be like when I look back

on all my days as an old woman? Will I be happy with how I lived my life,

will I look back and know I cherished all these sweet, crazy days? I so hope I do.

Thank you, Lord, for this life and these sweet boys and my incredible husband. It has been 

one of the toughest years of my life, but one that has grown and taught me

so much. I can not wait to see our boys grow and learn and love. I pray our family would

only grow closer to You and love so deeply those around us. Thank you for this year, for all

these sleepless nights and long days, for every moment that has stretched me and grown me

in ways I otherwise never would have. I am so thankful for a God who knows my every need.

The days move on, don't let them slip by with out fully living in every messy moment :) Here's to a great year ahead, 2013.

{Hope}

As we celebrated our {first Thanksgiving} holiday in our {first} house I was overwhelmed with Thankfulness....

Thankful to have a house of our own,

Thankful for a safe, beautiful place to raise our family,

Thankful for a husband who loves me & sees my heart & who I was made to be,

Thankful for 3 sweet boys we are so blessed to call our sons,

Thankful for our parents who love & support us,

Thankful for friends that encourage us & love us as family,

Thankful that all our basic needs are met every month without fail,

Thankful for the opportunities and talents God has blessed us with,

Thankful for this beautiful life in all it's craziness, stress, messiness and failures.

And so very thankful for a God who loves us so deeply and gives us HOPE for our days ahead.


I am so so excited to now celebrate our first Christmas in our house...to start some more of our own traditions and teach our children what this season is all about.

Before we had children we knew we would not do Santa with them. I do not believe that Santa is a bad guy or that he represents anything bad, but I do not believe he represents Christmas. We want to raise our kids knowing the true meaning of Christmas, to celebrate the Hope that was born into this world, to understand that this is a time to remember the greatest gift ever given, Jesus.

Our children have been born into a world where we are all searching for hope and security. We are searching in all the wrong places...a perfect job, a perfect home, a large bank account, the right president, drugs or relationships...whatever it may be. Our hope is not found in any of these empty pursuits. The beautiful thing? Hope IS here. Hope arrived thousands of years ago in the form of a little baby born in a stable. The very first gift on the very first Christmas.

That hope came when our world was not perfect and it continues to come into our now not so perfect lives. It comes into our messy lives and brings life, security, love....anything and everything we are looking to fulfill.

I am so thankful that God gave us the gift of his Son on that night so long ago and I am so excited to teach our kids what it is all about.

I pray this season is filled with wonder in a God who loves us so deeply and that it is celebrated joyfully in remembrance of the gift that Jesus truly is.

{a story of love}

This is a story of love. One that is kept secret, misunderstood, misused, shouted from the roof tops, lived and died for....it is our story.

I am a Christian. 

{If you are not or if the very word makes you want to stop reading right now, please keep reading}.

The word "Christian" carries so many meanings to many people. It can be a word that brings memories of hate, of unacceptance, of fear.

Unfortunately that is not what Jesus intended for his followers, Christians, to do. Jesus is about love. He is about acceptance.

During this election I have seen many hateful comments from other Christians on the topics of gay rights & abortion especially.

I don't want to get into what is "right" and what is "wrong"---is it my place anyway? No. What I want to stress is that it DOES NOT MATTER what other people choose to do with their lives. We {as Christians} are not called to tell other people what to do, what we are called to do is to LOVE & ACCEPT, because isn't that exactly what Jesus did for us?

We might not see things the same way, but I love you. God loves you. 

I was not always a Christian. I have always been a sinner {and still am}. But, I have always been loved by God. Same goes for each and every person on this planet.

When I chose to follow in Jesus's footsteps I just finished my freshman year of college. I finally saw an acceptance and love I had longed for my whole life. No matter what I do, no matter who I am, God loves me. I learned this while working at a camp for kids with disabilities. They loved me as God did. They didn't care what I had done right or wrong in my life, to them I was valuable and worth loving despite any of it. It still brings me to tears when I think of the way these kids showed the Lord's love to me.

And that is just the point. This is a story of love. 

"I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God, who is sending a love letter to the world."

-Mother Teresa

If we want God to be represented through our lives, we need to start loving people where they are. 

I want to say sorry to you if you have ever been treated without love or respect by a Christian. I want to say sorry if that Christian was ever me.

We are human. We fail. But, God never changes. His love is beyond us, beyond our understanding, unconditional and life changing. If you have never had the chance to experience that kind of love I pray that you would, because God deeply loves every person on this earth and desires to have a relationship with us right where we are.

Without a doubt, finding this love, finding a God who loved me like this has been the single most utterly life changing thing I have ever experienced. 

This is a story of LOVE. 

{Snapshots}

I thought I would share a few "snapshots" of our days from the past few weeks. I have been really slacking on going through & editing our family photos {and sharing them} for a long time now....pretty sure I still have everything from last Christmas to go through and beyond. As soon as my editing load for clients slows down I will get back to our family pictures and catch up from the past 9 months or so :) I just quickly went through and grabbed a few photos that highlight the boy's personalities...as well as a couple of them with their grandma & grandpa W. Enjoy :)

{Judah during a rare moment of quite time}

{Thats more like it!}

{Our little wild man}

{Toddler attitude}

{Ryder & his big green, sparkly eyes}

{Ryder waiting for some breakfast!}

{Our sweet little bud, Ry Guy}

{Will is such a charmer}

{Will loves to look out the window}

{This guy could play play play all day}

{practicing sharing <3}

{Little hands getting in trouble. All. Day. Long.}

{If you got it, I want it}

{Grandma Kathy is a rockstar}

{Grandpa Kriss & Ryder}

{Caught these two both looking at the camera on family picture day :) }

{All 3 sleeping after a car ride home...maybe we should do this every night at bedtime?!}

{on saying "sorry"}

We are constantly telling Judah he needs to "say sorry" for little things he does; pushing or taking something from one of the babies, yelling, kicking, throwing his football in the house or treating the iPad like it is a football {ah!}

But, yesterday, I learned an important lesson: somethings parents need to "say sorry" too.

It is not that I never realized that I do things {daily} that hurt or upset someone else...but I never thought that I would need to offer an apology {and admit I was wrong} to my child, my 2 year old son.

It is humbling when you see your child as a mini person, someone who deserves respect and sometimes has it right when you do not.

It was a out of control typical morning at our house and Judah woke up full of energy, ready to get the day started with a good game of football. I, on the other hand, was exhausted and had not had my coffee just yet. I promised him we would play football when the babies went down for their morning nap. 

Both babies were in a feisty kind of mood and were really clingy all morning....and mama never did get that coffee.

When they finally laid down {after 20 minutes of screaming}I plopped down on the couch to catch up on some emails, completely forgetting about the promised game of football.

Judah was not happy about this.

He came over and began to pull on my arm to get me off the couch, mummbling something I could not understand....and then he started screaming.

I was running on empty and not in the mood for him throwing a tantrum and snapped at him to stop, which of course made him even more upset.

He ran out of the room and I got back to my work. 

A few minutes later he was back {with football in hand}and a huge smile on his face. When I looked up and saw him staring at me with his big blue eyes full of joy & excitement my heart sank...I felt terrible that I had forgotten my promise to him.

I pulled him into my lap and said, "oh Bud, I am so sorry. Mommy told you she would play football with you during the babies nap and I forgot. I yelled at you and that was not okay. Let's go play football right now!" 

He put his little hand on my face and said, "it's okay, Mommy. Sometimes Mommies get sassy too, but My love you...and my love football!!!"

It was not the first time I had apologized to Judah, but this time it really hit me. This little boy, at such a young age understood that everyone makes mistakes and he was freely ready to offer his forgiveness. 

I pray that as my boys grow up that I could continue to humble myself before them {and say sorry} in big and little mistakes, in things that I intentionally or unitentionally may do that upset them. I don't want to see myself as the one in control, the one who is always right. I have so much to learn from my children. They bring so much joy and will one day maybe have a totally different perspective on life than I do.

Judah Jay, you are wise beyond your years. You are so full of joy and you accept and love me even when I am not doing my best. I love you so much, buddy.

{Autumn Days}

We have been blessed with an amazingly beautiful Autumn this year. The colors have been so vibrant and the weather has been perfect. We have been soaking up every minute we can outside with the kids.

Our days have been spent taking long walks around our neighborhood; 

admiring the beautiful old homes, 

watching silly squirrels running up ancient oak trees, 

stoping to talk to sweet elderly grandmas & grandpas we pass by,

kicking up piles of leaves on the sidewalks,

window shopping on Main Street,

taking turns pushing the stroller,

teaching Judah to ride his new balance bike,

giggling at chipmunks with cheeks full of acorns,

stopping at the library for a new book or two,

visiting our favorite park at the top of the hill,

grabbing a salted caramel hot cocoa at Real Coffee,

visiting the thrift store around the corner to search for treasures,

meeting new friends at play group,

eating lunch by the lake and 

making plans to have a campfire in one of the old stone fireplaces,

& just enjoying these beautiful fall days as they quickly pass us by.

The babies are changing so quickly & are really growing into their own little personalities. It is so sweet to watch. 

Ryder is such a snuggler. There is nothing he loves more on a chilly fall morning than to snuggle into the crook of my neck and just sit with me as I enjoy my morning coffee. He is such a little love. He is cautious and prefers to take the world in from the safety of my arms. He loves to watch his big brother spin around the room and be goofy, I know he would be happy to watch & giggle at Judah all day long. His big green eyes can melt your heart and make you drop everything you are doing just to pick him up and kiss his squishy little cheeks. He is definitely a mama's guy & I have to admit I am loving it! 

Will is our little adventurer. He loves to explore every corner of whatever room he happens to be in. you can guarantee that he will find the tiniest little object in the room & once he does he will turn it over in his hands for half an hour just inspecting it quietly. He is such a content little guy, always smiling and so patient. He is happy to wait his "turn" when his brothers are both screaming and needing something. He has the absolute sweetest smile and laugh in the world & is the most ticklish little guy I have ever met...ticking him will result in uncontrollable baby giggles that are pee your pants cute. This guys is such a little sweetheart.

Judah, oh Judah Jay. Our little comedian. He is such a little sponge, soaking up absolutely every thing Andrew & I do and say. It is funny how you never realize the phrases or words you use so often until you have a 2.5 year old to record your every word & repeat. It can really be a reality check for your attitude and how you respond to certain situations. He is incredibly smart and witty, it amazes us the things he comes up with! He has been working on his ABC's, counting, colors & reading every day, he just loves to learn. He has so much passion for life and takes on every day with so much gusto and enthusiasm. He loves to help us with whatever we are doing and wants to do his best to make us proud (and he truly does make us so proud!) He just loves his baby brothers so much and it is amazing to watch their relationship grow, they are going to be the best of buddies!

There are so many new things happening daily and so many dreams in our hearts for the days ahead....what a beautiful, crazy time of life it is! We are so thankful for this life we have be blessed with & the sweet little boys we get to teach & learn from daily.