{Not As Strong As You Think You Are}

Supermom.

Strong.

Brave.

Capable.

Amazing.

All words people have so generously and kindly offered when they describe me and the way I have handled the past year {plus} navigating the health struggles of our sons Teddy and Will.


I welcomed the kind words, but inside my heart they didn't mesh with the way I truly felt. I didn't feel  all that super, or strong or brave. I felt like I was pushing through, grasping the bare essentials of sanity to make it through each day. I told myself I needed to own those words, to be those things...at least on the outside. I had to keep it together, for my kids, my husband...everyone else.




I needed to be ok. I needed to be strong.


And then I miscarried.


And it wasn't ok.


Any strength I thought I had was emptied out. The mask was off.

In those days after losing our baby, I felt a weakness unlike any I have before. There was absolutely nothing I could do to change what had happened, nothing I could have done to prevent it. A blow I never saw coming.


A reminder of how truly weak we are in our human frames, wearing masks of strength, power, capability.


We see weakness as a fault, a shortcoming and strength as a barrier against all the hurt the world throws at us. And then there are these moments, when your helplessness confronts you...and suddenly you're not as strong as you {or anyone else} thought you were.


And it's ok, to not be strong. Because, He is strong, His power made perfect in our weakness.


"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." {2 Corinthians 12:9}


I will boast in my weakness, because when I am weak, then I am strong. Not exactly what the world around us says, but in this truth I am resting- I am clinging on to the things that are true, when right now nothing feels ok.


It is not me who is strong, but Christ in me.


Beauty in my mess.


Strength in my weakness.


Hope for the hopeless.

{The Child We Lost: Making Sense of Miscarriage}

A little over month ago I experienced a loss I hoped I would never have to navigate, the loss of our child, one we never got to meet face-to-face.

Miscarriage. A word I have used to describe a loss that is indescribable. A word that has defined the grief and numbness that has coursed through my heart and mind for the last month. How do I mourn a child I carried, but never held? How do I talk about someone I loved so deeply, but never spoke to? It's a loss unlike any I have experienced and at times I find myself so overwhelmed by the complexity and senselessness of it- why, why, why?


It just doesn't make sense. There are no answers. We are left, like so many who lose a loved one, blindly reaching through this darkness, wondering how to move forward, how to live with the not knowing. I think any time you lose someone, the shock and confusion and pain of it all can overwhelm and undertake you. But, then you look at photos, you have memories, you realize that, yes, they really did exist- you have something to grasp on to, even if it feels loose and distant. You have people to share that pain with, the heaviness of the loss, the memories. But, with pregnancy loss, you don't have any of that. Yes, my husband very much feels the depth of our loss, he aches and struggles and wrestles with the whys. But, it's just us. It's isolating and confusing and unbearable at times.


We've been so blessed to have a couple very close friends wrap their arms and prayers around us and family that has stepped in to lighten our burden as well. All of that has held us up and kept us pushing forward in hope. There are not words to describe our thankfulness for them.


A close friend asked me in the midst of my miscarriage, was I mad at God? I thought, that would make sense, but I never once felt that. In the senselessness of it all, I never once questioned or blamed God-and for me, I guess that was my comfort, my hope...that even in the greatness of this loss, my God was still good, still loving and still with me. It was the only thing that DID make sense.


As I wake up morning after morning, finding joy has never been more within my reach. The contrasting pain that aches deep reminds me with a glaring joy to seek out the goodness before me, to hope for and seek out the eternal, lasting things before anything else. To know that I have such a treasure waiting for me in heaven, that is a sweetness unlike any other. While it does't make sense in this life, I have the assurance of a God who is in complete and utter control, who makes sense of the senseless and brings beauty from the mess. One day death will be no more, one day our tears will be dried and we will be together, no more hurt, just the fullness of Love surrounding us. I can't think of anything more valuable and hope filled than that.


I share all of this, because I know miscarriage is a silent pain shared by so many women, and if my story can be healing to one woman out there than it was well worth it. He's with us, in our hurting and in our rejoicing. When nothing makes sense, he remains, solid and eternal and always good.


As I move through this grief, I plan to write and share more and hope that my story will speak to someone. We aren't alone in this senselessness, this water swelling up, the pain threatening to take us under-- we are held up, by each other, by a God who will never let us drown when we reach out to Him.

Much love,

Sarah

{When God Gives You More Than You Can Handle}

You've probably heard the saying, "God will never give you more than you can handle" and it probably came at a time when you felt like your life was swallowing you up whole, when the odds were stacked up against you and deep inside you wondered how you would keep it all together.



Yeah, that is my life. It has been my life for the past 3 years.

Pregnancy & birth of twin boys when my first son was barely 2
Hundreds of miles away from any family
A husband working full time by day and tackling grad school by night.
3 boys 4 and under & one on the way
A very sick child, who was later diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder.
The birth of our 4th son (4 kids 4 & under)
A new career path & adjustment for my husband (many late nights alone)
Months of fear & worry over a baby who wouldn't grow
10 days in the hospital with my 6 month old
Trying to fit a 2nd medically complex child into our crazy life

A story and challenges unique to me, but really, who doesn't have a crap ton of overwhelming stuff going on in their lives?


Guys, I am here to tell you, I have more than I can handle. And it's okay if you do too. You don't have to be supermom/dad, the master of multi-tasking, the keeper of a perfect home, a ladder-climbing achiever at your job, a perfect Christian, flawless friend,  & world dominating machine.


It's ok. We are all pretty weak and scared on the inside, wondering if anyone else can tell.


I can't do it. I can not keep it together on my own. I've worked so hard the past 3 years to keep these exterior walls of strength up around the parts of me that were crumbling on the inside.

I'm embracing my weakness. Embracing the fact that I can't do it all & that it is ok to let other people know that too.


Because, yes, God absolutely gives more than we can handle- every single one of us, whether we want to admit that or not.


It's easy to let our brains fall in the the bottomless pit of distractions at our fingertips, to let our minds be pulled this way & that, to let us forget about the things that ache deep in our souls, to let ourseleves be deceived into thinking the Pinterest dream is just around the corner & that we can get to a place where everything is just right. We can fool our selves pretty easily into thinking every thing is ok, bandaging our wounds for another day, keeping it together for everyone else.


Well, I say, STOP IT!


There isn't a person on this Earth who has it all together, has perfection figured out, has everything under control. Let's all stop pretending & telling each other we don't have more than we can handle. Because we do.

Although this all sounds rather depressing, there is hope. We were never asked to do this on our own. In the midst of our tangled up mess, God calls us to Him, to lay our burdens down, to let them rest on the shoulders of the One who can handle it all.


His yoke is easy & His burden is light.


Thank you Jesus.


Thank you for seeing me in my little, wobbly exterior, holding it all together around my tender soul. Thank you for loving me and letting me crumble and struggle and find You patiently waiting for me to see I needed more of You.


God's strength is made perfect in weakness. He wants our truest selves, he wants our little ragamuffin hearts, our potty mouths & sin stained lives. Because the beauty of God never shines brighter than when it is contrasted and perfected in weakness.


There is so much beauty in the mess. So much hope in the struggle. So much truth under our deception. None of us is really so different from the next, none of us can do it on our own, so let's stop pretending.


Friends, I've got more than I can handle...but, I'm not handling it anymore. And you don't have to either.

{He Already Knows}

It has been months since I have sat down to write, so many things have begun and ended and snuck onto the pages of my days.

A few nights ago, I woke up to the grunting of a hungry baby. The house was quite, except for he and I quietly rocking in the well loved rocker. His long eye lashes fluttered and I prayed to never forget this moment just as it was. 

And then, so gently, as it always is- the feather light whisper of a call to write it all down again, persevere it for the day when my boys can understand and together we can taste and see the goodness that was always with us. 

These are bone weary days. Fear has crept into my home, my heart. Uncertainty and worry threaten my steps daily. As I seek to keep my eyes focused on what is true and lasting, I am comforted by this: 

He already knows.

One of our little men has been fighting a quite, faceless battle in his little body for almost a year- one we can not see or give a name.

We have been blessed beyond measure with doctors who care deeply, refuse to give up and astound me with the depth of their knowledge and skill. But, even they can not call it by name right now. 

At times, the fear, the overwhelming hopeless pricks of the unknown bring me to my knees in worry, the tears burn hot on my cheeks and remind me of how fragile our human bodies are in this broken world. 

And then again,so softly the words brush my thoughts in the loneliness of the wee morning:

He already knows.

When as faulty, broken, arms flailing humans we search desperate for an answer, there is One greater than us, than this darkness creeping in, who knows. He sees the places we have not yet ventured. He knows us, created us bit by bit, and nothing is lost to Him. 

He knows, He knows, He knows...

As I press on into this new day, there is renewed hope, there is comfort in knowing that as we wonder through these dark days He sees us, He knows us, He gave himself for us so that even when we walk through the valley we can fear no evil. We rest in the promise that when every thing feels broken, we are safe in His arms.

Though our bodies may fail us, we know there is more. There is nothing that can separate us from His Love, the eternal parts of us can never be taken. Fear can not find us there, sickness can not taint that part of us, we are more, we are His. 

We are known and always have been, intimately by the One who sees and know it all- and loves us still. 

{a story of love}

This is a story of love. One that is kept secret, misunderstood, misused, shouted from the roof tops, lived and died for....it is our story.

I am a Christian. 

{If you are not or if the very word makes you want to stop reading right now, please keep reading}.

The word "Christian" carries so many meanings to many people. It can be a word that brings memories of hate, of unacceptance, of fear.

Unfortunately that is not what Jesus intended for his followers, Christians, to do. Jesus is about love. He is about acceptance.

During this election I have seen many hateful comments from other Christians on the topics of gay rights & abortion especially.

I don't want to get into what is "right" and what is "wrong"---is it my place anyway? No. What I want to stress is that it DOES NOT MATTER what other people choose to do with their lives. We {as Christians} are not called to tell other people what to do, what we are called to do is to LOVE & ACCEPT, because isn't that exactly what Jesus did for us?

We might not see things the same way, but I love you. God loves you. 

I was not always a Christian. I have always been a sinner {and still am}. But, I have always been loved by God. Same goes for each and every person on this planet.

When I chose to follow in Jesus's footsteps I just finished my freshman year of college. I finally saw an acceptance and love I had longed for my whole life. No matter what I do, no matter who I am, God loves me. I learned this while working at a camp for kids with disabilities. They loved me as God did. They didn't care what I had done right or wrong in my life, to them I was valuable and worth loving despite any of it. It still brings me to tears when I think of the way these kids showed the Lord's love to me.

And that is just the point. This is a story of love. 

"I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God, who is sending a love letter to the world."

-Mother Teresa

If we want God to be represented through our lives, we need to start loving people where they are. 

I want to say sorry to you if you have ever been treated without love or respect by a Christian. I want to say sorry if that Christian was ever me.

We are human. We fail. But, God never changes. His love is beyond us, beyond our understanding, unconditional and life changing. If you have never had the chance to experience that kind of love I pray that you would, because God deeply loves every person on this earth and desires to have a relationship with us right where we are.

Without a doubt, finding this love, finding a God who loved me like this has been the single most utterly life changing thing I have ever experienced. 

This is a story of LOVE. 

{Losing Sleep}

I am losing sleep.

Not because I am the mom of 11 week old twins.

Not because I have a two year old.

Not because we are moving in 7 days.

Not because I have a million and one things to do.

But, because I am full of JOY and ANTICIPATION for our future.

I have learned SO much over the past four weeks, it is surreal.

There have been many moments of shear chaos.

Moments of anger.

Frustration.

Confusion.

Anxiety

Fear.

Moments when I questioned God's plan.

Moments when I leaned on my own understanding and not God.

Moments when I wanted to give up.

Moments when I lost hope.

But through every one of these moments hope has carried me through.

The hope I have in a God that will never abandon of forsake me.

The hope that He has something more, something better in store for me.

And today, I am so filled with JOY.

So excited to see where the Lord will take me in the months ahead.

I have rarely felt this DEEP trust in God...

I have struggled for so long with just letting go completely...

with letting Him have control fully.

But, slowly He has worked my hard heart into something moldable.

Something useable.

Something I am freely willing to give up.

And it is the absolute BEST feeling I have ever experienced in my life.

And  that is enough to make me lose sleep.

I can't wait to share more about what I have learned and where the Lord is leading me.

{Endurance}

I have heard over and over this past month that,

"God will not give you more than you can handle"

and I have smiled, knowing that this is true...

but at the same time, wondering just HOW much that was.

"God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength but with your testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it" (1 Corinthians 10:13)

Many times over the last year I have felt that I was being tested beyond my strength,

but the past four weeks have been exceptionally trying.

When we found out we were having twins about 9 months ago I thought I would never be able to do it. I was terrified. I wondered how I would do it, how we would make it. At the time I had no idea, but now 10 weeks into their tiny new lives I find myself overjoyed and loving every minute of it. The rewards have proven to far outweigh the hardships. God has given me an incredible honor in this and has shown me that I CAN endure and overcome and rejoice in my trials!

I have never felt the weight of the world on my shoulders more than I do now.

Between Andrew and I we are,

Raising a 2 year old

Raising 10 week old twins

Starting a farm

Running a photography business

Running a health & wellness business

Working 80 plus hours a week

Buying our first home (with less than 30 days to do it)

Packing, packing, packing

In between all this we are finding time to sometimes: eat dinner, take a shower, and maybe sleep a few hours.

LIFE. IS. CRAZY.

Our strength is waining. Our patience is borderline.

Every day a new challenge seems to creep in

and every day I wonder,

"how much more can we take before we break?!"

But, we are holding on to the knowledge that God WILL NOT give us more than we can take. He WILL lead us out of our troubles & we will come out so much stronger.

I can not wait to look back on this month and see all that we have learned and how much we have grown.

God is good. He is faithful to His promises.

I am so thankful to have a heavenly Father who loves me so.

Because of this I do not fear any trials that may come up ahead....and I know there will be many and all we are experiencing now is giving us strength to someday meet those trails.

My heart overflows as I give thanks for this beautiful, crazy life.

{Old Old Fashioned}

Life is moving at a fast pace for us and it does not seem to have any intentions of slowing down anytime soon :)

This past Sunday we found out that the plans we had for our move at the end of April were not going to work out like we thought.

We felt let down.

Discouraged.

Angry.

Helpless.

We would have to move from the neighborhood we have loved for the past 3 years and we didn't know where we would go.

We still don't know for sure, but things are looking a little brighter.

It's funny how you think you have everything under control, have all your life plans figured out for the near future...and then BAM. You are thrown off course, wondering what the heck you are going to do with this mess you are in.

It is times like this that I have to sit back and remind myself that I am not in control.

God is.

It is in these moments that I am reminded my life is not my own.

And in a lot of ways, that is so reassuring. If God is in control, what do I have to worry about?

Well, if your me, you are a hard nut to crack and you really like to be in control. And you also like to worry.

Stupid.

Well, I am trying to let go. Trying to have faith that God has better plans in store for us.

And it has not been easy.

We have gotten our hopes up and had the door slammed in our face a few times already.

And each time it has pushed me to give up a little more control and hold on to the faith that I know God would never leave us hanging.

Yesterday we found a house.

A place that felt like it could be home.

Everything about it felt so right.

I prayed, "Lord, please let this be it. Let it work out. I want this so much."

But, at the same time I am afraid to get my hopes up too much...

But, why would it feel so right if it were not the house for us?

it is beautiful.

123 yrs old.

full of character.

full of stories.

i can picture our 3 boys growing up and filling the rooms with memories.

i can see us having dinner in the dining room.

climbing the giant willow tree in the back yard.

canning our summer harvest in the kitchen.

Please pray for us as we go through the process of buying a home for the first time. Pray that things go smoothly & quickly. Pray that we would trust that this is God's plan & not ours.

We are so thankful for the blessing of our family who has been helping us every step of the way.

We can not wait to get "Old Old Fashion" and move out of town, start our farm, live in a beautiful old home....and live the dreams God has on our hearts!