{Getting There}

Up ahead he was running, pointing and yelling out "directions" from his "map."

"And when you see the struction' workers go THAT way. Then when that lady RIGHT THERE moves out of my way we can go dis way."

The park was maybe a 10 minute walk from our house, but we had been trying to get there for almost 30 minutes now and I was getting frustrated more and more by my little "guide".

Before we left he had made a "map" to get to the park, a mess of colored scribbles, which he said would get us there the "best" way. In that moment his ambition and creativity pulled on my heart...but 30 minutes into our adventure I was getting hot, sweaty and impatient to get to our destination.

"STOP!" he yelled, putting his chubby little arm up, bringing our giant double stroller to a screeching halt, screeching twin babies and all.

"Ok, Judah, we just need to walk faster. Can we keep moving?" I pleaded, trying not to show how frustrated I was getting.

But he saw through it and he was not happy.

"Mama. Right now we are getting there. Right now we gotta find the wood-packer. That's my favorite bird kind. When we find him, then we will go."

Ok, I thought, if I am waiting for a "wood-packer" to show up, we are never getting there.

And just as quickly as that thought crossed my mind, the invisible "wood-packer" flew in and landed on Judah's arm and we were on our way again.

Why do I doubt the infinite wisdom and imagination of the 3 year old? :)

Again, 30 seconds later, he was stopped and getting down on the sidewalk to look hopefully up into the cloudy grey sky. Now, we were waiting for the sunshine to come out to keep moving.

"Mama, you gotta sit wif me and look for the sun. When it comes then we will go over that way, by the mailman truck, that is the most faster way to the park." He smiled.

His smile was too sweet to pass up, so I found myself on my back staring hopefully into a grey sea of clouds, praying for a glimpse of the sun so we could be on our way.

Judah looked over at me and reassured me it was coming, it maybe was just going potty.

The babies squealed from the stroller, they always seemed to find their big brother's antics amusing.

I realized in that moment that I was so thankful that Ryder and Will had such a passionate big brother to guide them on this journey and more importantly through the real journey of this life.

He understood it was the journey that mattered, it made the getting there all the sweeter.

And when the sun finally did come back from it's potty break, so did my attitude.

I peeled myself up off the sidewalk, knowing these days of my journey would be over before I knew it. So, I followed my "guide" and we made it to the park in just under an hour.

It may have been the longest route, the slowest and pokiest way I have ever gone, but I saw more detail along the way that I had sped past so many other times along the same route.

I saw the "nice grandma planting flowers" who smiled warmly as we passed, "the crunchy grass" sweet with the smell of summer, "the giant fuzzy monster"/ adorable lab puppy handing out free kisses.

I saw myself, pressing through my days lately with the "end" in sight, motivated by a night of sleep or a long weekend. I saw myself missing out on the moments as they came, brushing them off as I sped through this draining and sometimes monotonous season of my life.

The sweetness and innocent perspective of my 3 year old son had once again pulled me back to reality, to the reality that this journey is good and these moments are what matters. The destination is good, but it will never be as beautiful as it could be without investing right here and now along this journey, moment by moment.

And, let me tell you, as that park came up over the hilltop it had never looked more glorious and that creaky old park bench had never felt better.

So, today friends, stop looking ahead and look right where you are....it is so so good.

Enjoy the journey, we'll get there soon enough :)

{To All The Mothers}

It's Mother's Day.

A day to celebrate the women in our lives that nurture, support, give life, sacrifice and love so deeply.

As I sat this morning thinking about all the women in my life who I appreciate on this day, more than just Mamas came to mind.

Mother's Day is not just a day to celebrate the women in our lives who have raised us or given birth to us. It is more. It is about all of the women who give of themselves, who fill that "mother" role in our lives in so many different ways.

I think of the women who have not yet had the chance to raise babies of their own. Who long so deeply to give and nurture a child that calls them "mama." I think of how their love and desire is so deep that it overflows to all areas of their lives, of how they pour that love on those around them. How they listen, support and give of themselves in anticipation of that day when they will hold a baby of their own.

I think of how we need to give thanks for them, tell them how much we appreciate their mother's hearts. Tell them how loved and beautiful they are.

I think of all the women who daily "mother" children that are not their own. Of teachers, child care providers, nannies. Women whose hearts have countless rooms in them for every child they so selflessly give to.

Thank you. Thank you for loving children that maybe do not feel that love from their own homes, for loving children simply because they matter, simply because your heart can not help but expand just a little more. You are so deeply appreciated.

I think of women who lead Bible studies or support groups, who give of their time and energy to lift up and support women in their lives. Women who truly listen. Women who respond to every text, phone call and email, offering support and encouragement. All of this, with a true Mother's heart.

Thank you. Thank you for loving and supporting and giving the best of you. Thank you for being a Mother in so many ways to so many women. You are loved and cherished.

And I think of Mamas like myself, in the midst of raising little ones. Of Moms who wonder if what they are doing really matters. Of Mamas who feel alone sometimes, who feel exhausted, who give every ounce of their waking moments to their babies. You are not alone and what you do does not go unnoticed. You matter so very much. You are making an impact on eternity. You are amazing and so so loved.

I think of Mothers who children have long since grown, who are now grandmothers or even great grandmothers. I think of how the legacy of love they have given has grown exponentially, of how their Mother's hearts have left a lasting imprint on history. I think of the many many influential people of our time and the great Mothers who stand firmly behind them. Thank you. Thank you for giving of your whole life to love your children, of loving them through every stage of life, of never forgetting the sweet babies they once were and forever loving them like they still are your baby.

I think of single Moms, of Adoptive Moms, of Foster Moms, Step Moms. Of Moms who don't fit that "traditional" Mom definition. Of Moms who put their children before themselves always, who give and give and never cease to love their children. Who never give up, who keep going even on the hardest days. Moms who never give up hope, who truly understand the gift that their babies are and treat them as such. You are incredible, you inspire us. You are loved and appreciated more than you know.

I think of Birth Mothers. Mother's who give of themselves, sacrifice to give their child what they themselves cannot. Of women who give life, joy and love unimaginable to another. Of women who love their babies so deeply and give a piece of their hearts. You are strong, you are loved. You are so appreciated.

Mothers around the world, women who may not be called "Mom," but women who are true mothers, women who need to be acknowledged and loved on this day.

Happy Mother's Day.

You are loved. You are beautiful. Thank You!

{i can do hard things}

Today was one of those days that sucks the life out of you.

One of those days where all your plans sizzle in a pile of ashes.

One of those days where you choose to have faith or not.

One of those days where you realize you are not in control.


Over the last two years of plan crushing moments I have let the eb and flow of life take me under, let fear be my life's theme. There have been moments where my head bobs above the water and I see clearly the blessings in dark waters, but many times I let the "what if's" steal my joy and take me back under.

Life is stressful. That's a fact for all of us. But, for me it has been so saturated in fear, worry and regrets much of the time...and that is not truly living, it is surviving.

Daily, I try not to conform to what the rest of the world says are good things, what are the things to live for and strive for---but, somehow I keep putting my hope in them...and I keep getting disappointed.

Hope in my bank account.

Hope in accomplishments.

Hope in good works.

Hope in "the next best thing".

Hope in nothing.

Again, we had our hopes tangled up in what looked best to us, what would make life easier or better. We were so sure that maybe this time our blessing would come. Maybe just this once things could go our way, be easier.

But, the answer came like a dagger : NO.

Our plans are not always God's plans and sometimes that reality just stings.

Right now I look ahead and I don't see how anything could possibly work out. The water is threatening to fill my lungs, fear beckons at my heart again like a long lost friend.

And yet, there is another voice, one much gentler and steadier reminding me "you can do hard things."

oh, the sweetness of truth.

My immediate jerk reaction is to say no, no I can't! I am weak. I am a failure. I'm not strong enough.

But, as I stop and reflect over all of the "plan crushing" that has occurred over the last few years I see a trend of overcoming, of growing, of learning more and more where my true hope and joy lie.

And then I remember that nothing beautiful or good or life giving ever comes easy, or the way we want or plan it to. Never.

Good stories never come without trial.

Good stories never come without pain.

Good stories don't come without sacrifice.

Good stories don't come from a life given over to fear.

So, today I am going to stop letting this theme of fear guide me and swim in the opposite direction where I know there will be dry land, where I know there will be hope.

Today I am going to choose joy in the midst of disappointment.

Today I am going move forward, letting my life & plans slip through my hands like the dust that they are.

Today, I am going to remember the voice telling me I can do hard things.

Today I am going to see that my blessings have never come in the way I thought they would.

{My Life's Theme}

Last month we invited a group of close friends to join us in going through Donald Miller's Storyline process.

{from the Storyline blog at Storylineblog.com}

Storyline takes you through a process of examining your life as a story. It is "based on the formula screenwriters and novelists use to create stories." The whole process is broken up into 8 sections, helping you examine your story thus far and chart out what's ahead.

It is about living a better story, using your positive and negative experiences to see that they have all been building you up for something greater, for a greater role in the overall story of God.

From Storyline, "We believe your story was a blank page given to you by God and to write a great story on that page is a noble pursuit and a gift to the world."

What a beautiful way to look at life, as a a story. When I heard about Storyline I knew it was something I had to do and had to share with others, because if we were all living in the knowledge that our life is a story and a story that really matters, how different would the world be?

Last night our group got together and started the Storyline Process. It is supposed to be an 8 week format when done in a small group, but because we all have crazy busy lives {and who doesn't?!} we are stretching it out over more like 4 months.

The first section is all about what has your story been so far? What have been the major turning points in your life? How have these things shaped you and how can the negative points be redeemed for something greater?

Because I am facilitating the group I had already gone through the first part and started mapping out my life up until now. It was really sobering, to see your whole life just out there, all the hurts and all the joys mingling together in a familiar pattern of ups and downs.

The hardest part for me? Realizing my life's theme.

It is one thing to know you have deep struggles and then push them aside for another day, but it is completely painful to set it all out and know that it has been too long that this one thing {or more} has had too much control over your story.

For me, that thing is fear.

As I looked back over the positive and negative turns of my life scratched out in pencil across the page a lump formed in my throat.

How much time have I spent fearing?

They won't accept me.

Everyone I love will die.

I have nothing to offer.

There is no hope for me.

I can not measure up to God's standards.

I am not strong enough.

I can't do it.

What will they think of me?

Everything is out of my hands...

Anxiety. Depression. Loneliness...all products of a fear deep in my heart for so many years.

Even as a little girl I can remember that deep fear taking root in my little heart. And over the years it has grown and grown and grown. Don't get me wrong, there have been many good things and positive turns in my life, but I just can't shake this theme of fear that has dominated my story for so long.

As I sit here today, on this gloomy, cold and rainy Monday afternoon I am overcome with something unfamiliar, something greater than fear.....hope.

Hope that my story is not done yet, hope that all these years of fearfulness can be redeemed for something greater.

As I was reading my Bible and praying for a fresh start and a new perspective I stumbled upon Lamentations 5: {Taken from The Message, italics mine}

"We're nothing but slaves to sin, to fear, to darkness...
We sold ourselves...
The joy is gone from our hearts...
Oh, that we never sinned or fell victim to fear
We are heartsick because of this..
BUT, You are sovereign still,
Give us a fresh start!"

Words that could have been straight from my heart....and words that promise hope because God is sovereign, He has complete authority over the good and bad. He can and will redeem us from the darkness and struggles.

Join me. Find your story, find a fresh start and a new perspective on this journey of life, a story that you only have one chance to write.

The great thing about Storyline is it is for everyone. Even if you don't believe there is a God, you probably believe that life is about something more than just you. I highly encourage everyone to look into it and follow me along here on my blog as I go through the process. Please don't hesitate to contact me if you have any questions or would like help getting started or going through the process yourself.

What Did You Make?

I like things clean, organized, in their place.

But, with three little ones 3 & under, it is not a consistent trend in our house.

Last night I spent a good hour cleaning up & organizing the play room---toy vegetables separated from toy fruits, legos in their bin, puzzles organized by type and size...you know, all the things a 3 year old and two 1 years find to be most important ;)

Then, this morning as I woke up to a clean, organized house I smiled & felt like all was right in the world.

{Judah didn't agree.}

When he saw the play room in all it's color-coded organized glory he was disgusted.

"What did you do, Mama?!" He said throwing his little arms up in protest.

He proceeded to tell me he had "a lot of work to do" and would I "please get him some breakfast?"

Groggy, half awake & still flying high from my rush of organization adrenaline I went to the kitchen to get my coffee started and some breakfast for the kids.

Judah was so quiet in the other room that I was easily distracted and got caught up in reading the Willy Street Co-Op Monthly that before I realized it my coffee was done, paper read & 30 minutes had passed.

I was startled out of my moment of quiet when I heard two little voices calling "Mama" from upstairs.

As I made my way through the dining room into the living room and around the corner I began to hear lots of clanking, the sound of wood & plastic making a crashing symphony from the play room.

Hmmm, Judah must be really enjoying the newly organized play room.

Oh, he was!

When I walked into the room I saw him hard at work destroying enjoying his play room.

Before I could let out an exasperated moan Judah had turned around with a huge, proud smile on his face pointing to the enormous mound of toys he was hauling and dumping into his tent.

"Look, Mama! Look what I MADE!"

Isn't perspective funny?

I saw a giant mess, all my hard work for nothing. He saw an opportunity, a chance to make something that mattered.

What I wanted to say was, "Why?! Why did you have to make such a huge mess after I just cleaned this all up?"

But the look on his sweet face, the joy that poured from his eyes was enough to make me see that he didn't just make a mess....he made something. 

So, instead I asked, "what did you make?"

He was thrilled to explain that he had made a "beautiful tower" for me, so that we could "climb to the top and fly!" Hands on his hips, he looked to me asking with his eyes, Mama, are you proud of me, do you like it?

My heart melted. I snapped out of my selfish desire for organized wooden produce and saw that my son was thinking about me, he was thinking about creating beauty, bringing joy to another person.

What a sweet blessing he is, yet again reminding me that life is not about doing it is about creating, enjoying, giving. It is about finding opportunities to add to the beauty, to join with God to create something that brings joy and gives life.

As a mom I tend to get so wrapped up in all my things that "need to get done" that I forget I don't serve a God who does, but a God who IS. A God who creates, who gives, who loves. I forget that is what he wants me to do too. I am so thankful that He allows me to learn through those so fresh from his hands, from my sweet little sons that still live to bring beauty and create things that matter, that live to just be and not do.

 I pray that I can start to see more daily the things our lives are making and not just what we are doing or not doing, to see life through their eyes, through His eyes and not my own.

Because, in the words of Sarah Groves " I just want to add to the beauty, to tell a better story." I want to create something beautiful with this life, with my family. Today, I am going to stop doing so much and ask "what can I make with today?"

One Year

One year ago today began one of the toughest challenges of my life. As I look back and reflect on it I see so much of myself has died. When I say that, what I mean is so much of the ugliness and selfishness in my heart has died, things that before this past year were so  prominent.

As a mother, I have seen what it means to truly lay down my life for another. It comes with the territory. To be an intentional, loving, kind and patient mother you have to give up your "old" self for a    new one, one that puts your children before you always.

It's not easy. I began to see this with Judah, but with the twins it overtook me. I had no choice, I had no time to stop and think about me. The life of a mother is a life of service.

Although it may seem, from the outside to be not a joyful thing, I truly count it as joy. This last  year of intense loneliness, struggle to make it through the day, wondering how I could ever make it a year nursing twins, caring for 3 kids 2 and under was the most intense suffering I have ever known. But, through it I have come to know and understand God so deeply.

Jesus came to serve and give his life. To live a life that is fully in service to others, to my children, has brought me to a closer understanding of Christ. To daily lay down my life for my kids becomes easier when I think of how Christ lay down His life for me. To die to myself daily and in some small way experience the death of Jesus is life altering.

"Every day we experience something of the death of Jesus, so we also may show the power of Jesus."
-2Cor 4:10

Without God, without the example of Jesus in my life this year would have been for loss. But, in my struggle, in my darkest moments I found joy.

When I found out we would be having twins, anxiety and fear overwhelmed me. I wondered why God would think I could handle this, me a perpetual worrier, so unsure of who I was and what I could accomplish. Now, I see. Now I know that God gave me a gift so amazing and beautiful that I could never comprehend how much it has changed my life, I can only see a small bit of the bigger picture, but even that is so much more than I ever imagined.

Ryder & Will & Judah, you are my sweet ones. You have brought so much joy, so much love to my life. Your little lives have changed me to my very core. You have shown me so much of who I am and who God made me to be. I love you to the depths of my soul. You are my treasures.

"Every opportunity and event of our lives provides the chance to learn the deepest lesson anyone can learn on Earth, 'My present life is not that of the old "I", but the living Christ within me."
-Elisabeth Elliot

Motherhood & Loneliness

With the holidays over and things a little {less} crazy around here I have been feeling lonely.

Loneliness, it is one of things that I never expected to come along with motherhood. I mean, I am ALWAYS with someone {albeit mostly people age 2 and under}. But, I just always feel alone to some extent.

I have been thinking about it a lot, reading blogs of other mothers & picking up books on this "struggle" of motherhood.

I just never imagined it to be so hard.

I have twins, yes. I have a 2 year old. But, this struggle I feel seems so universal among mothers who have 1, 2, 3 or 6 kids. My life is hard as a mother, but my struggle is the same. So many times I have thought it would be easier if I had only 1 kid or atleast not twins....but, I know it is not true, it is not my kids or your kids or how many we have, but it is simply the daunting day to day reality of simply be a  mom.

I have always wanted to be a mom. I know there are women out there who have dreamed of it their whole lives and then there are some who it happened to unexpectedly. But, I feel like no matter how you happened into being a mom, you just never really can be prepared for what the reality of this title means.

I feel like I am stumbling through this daily learning process, wondering why all the visions and ideas I had about being a mom seem so....distant & so hard to make a reality.

And in the midst of all this wondering about who you are as a mom, you wonder, who am I....who am I outside of being a mom?

We need help. We need each other. There is so much comparison, so much time spent feeling like you just can't get it "right."

I wish there was more support among moms for one another, especially the older generation for the younger. One thing I know I want to do when I have made it through these difficult days of my children being little, is to reach out and support moms who are where I am now.

We live such "connected" lives on Facebook and other social media, but we have never been more disconnected.

Fellow moms, lets be there for each other in our {real} lives. Reach out to another mom because she is probably feeling as lonely as you are. If your kids are older or even out of the house, reach out to a young/new mom, she needs you more than you know.

Being a mom can be lonely, but it doesn't have to be. No one can quite understand you like another mom. We need each other!


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When I heard about this spa weekend away of mentoring and fun from Sally Clarkson & Sarah Mae, I knew I had to try and win this getaway...I need it SO bad! If you know how I feel and would like to join me, let me know, because I can take one friend along if I win! :) I don't have an experienced mom who has reached out to me (and stayed there for me), so this really pulls at my heart.

http://desperatemom.com/spamentoring-weekend-with-sally-clarkson-sarah-mae/