{At The Core}

I am an extra sensitive soul.

My husband can verify that as well as my family and close friends.

And I am starting to see that, maybe that isn't such a bad thing.

As a child {and most of my adult life} I have seen it as weakness, a flaw in my code.

It has fed my tendency to give into fear. It has helped define the not-so-healthy "theme of my life" for many years.

There is always a reason behind a life theme & many times it isn't that it is a fault, but a gift or strong point that is simply misdirected.

Being sensitive can bring good or bad.

Being strong willed can bring good or bad.

Being passionate can bring good or bad.

It is a matter of how you use these gifts and a matter of how you view yourself in relation to the things that are so deeply ingrained in the person you are.

I believe that at the core of every person there is an undeniable goodness.

It is a reflection of where we come from, from the hands that shaped us from the very start, intended for beauty and purpose and light.

As I have been working over these things in my heart, once again I see in my children this very truth.

That we are fearfully and wonderfully made.

That when we look at ourselves and see fault it is a reminder to look deeper and see the goodness at the core of it, to always get back to the place where  beauty was intended to flow out and start there again.

When my son, Judah, whose name means "praise," is being loud and over the top wild I can choose to see it as him being disobedient and rude.

But, when I stop and look at the core of him, where I know I will find a soul bursting at the seams with joy, praise & exuberance for life I can remember that I need to help him cultivate that into something that brings goodness to those around him.

I don't want to squelch his joy, push it down back into him as a negative attribute, but give him the means and ability to use it to make the world a sweeter place to be.

And I need that same gentleness when dealing with myself- to see that there is a goodness in how I was created, that being sensitive means more than being afraid or being shy, it means more than being afraid to feel too much.

It means I have the ability to step into another person's pain. 

It means letting myself see beyond the hard exterior and into the real heart behind it.

It means giving my heart all the more and not sheltering it from pain.

It means expressing my sensitive soul in a way that brings truth and beauty to others.

It means loving and accepting who I am at the very core. Because it is there that I will find my deepest connection with the One who weaved it all together from the very start.

I hope that you too can look at yourself and see beyond the faults to a person who is deeply meaningful and needed by this world to the very core.

{To All The Mothers}

It's Mother's Day.

A day to celebrate the women in our lives that nurture, support, give life, sacrifice and love so deeply.

As I sat this morning thinking about all the women in my life who I appreciate on this day, more than just Mamas came to mind.

Mother's Day is not just a day to celebrate the women in our lives who have raised us or given birth to us. It is more. It is about all of the women who give of themselves, who fill that "mother" role in our lives in so many different ways.

I think of the women who have not yet had the chance to raise babies of their own. Who long so deeply to give and nurture a child that calls them "mama." I think of how their love and desire is so deep that it overflows to all areas of their lives, of how they pour that love on those around them. How they listen, support and give of themselves in anticipation of that day when they will hold a baby of their own.

I think of how we need to give thanks for them, tell them how much we appreciate their mother's hearts. Tell them how loved and beautiful they are.

I think of all the women who daily "mother" children that are not their own. Of teachers, child care providers, nannies. Women whose hearts have countless rooms in them for every child they so selflessly give to.

Thank you. Thank you for loving children that maybe do not feel that love from their own homes, for loving children simply because they matter, simply because your heart can not help but expand just a little more. You are so deeply appreciated.

I think of women who lead Bible studies or support groups, who give of their time and energy to lift up and support women in their lives. Women who truly listen. Women who respond to every text, phone call and email, offering support and encouragement. All of this, with a true Mother's heart.

Thank you. Thank you for loving and supporting and giving the best of you. Thank you for being a Mother in so many ways to so many women. You are loved and cherished.

And I think of Mamas like myself, in the midst of raising little ones. Of Moms who wonder if what they are doing really matters. Of Mamas who feel alone sometimes, who feel exhausted, who give every ounce of their waking moments to their babies. You are not alone and what you do does not go unnoticed. You matter so very much. You are making an impact on eternity. You are amazing and so so loved.

I think of Mothers who children have long since grown, who are now grandmothers or even great grandmothers. I think of how the legacy of love they have given has grown exponentially, of how their Mother's hearts have left a lasting imprint on history. I think of the many many influential people of our time and the great Mothers who stand firmly behind them. Thank you. Thank you for giving of your whole life to love your children, of loving them through every stage of life, of never forgetting the sweet babies they once were and forever loving them like they still are your baby.

I think of single Moms, of Adoptive Moms, of Foster Moms, Step Moms. Of Moms who don't fit that "traditional" Mom definition. Of Moms who put their children before themselves always, who give and give and never cease to love their children. Who never give up, who keep going even on the hardest days. Moms who never give up hope, who truly understand the gift that their babies are and treat them as such. You are incredible, you inspire us. You are loved and appreciated more than you know.

I think of Birth Mothers. Mother's who give of themselves, sacrifice to give their child what they themselves cannot. Of women who give life, joy and love unimaginable to another. Of women who love their babies so deeply and give a piece of their hearts. You are strong, you are loved. You are so appreciated.

Mothers around the world, women who may not be called "Mom," but women who are true mothers, women who need to be acknowledged and loved on this day.

Happy Mother's Day.

You are loved. You are beautiful. Thank You!

What Did You Make?

I like things clean, organized, in their place.

But, with three little ones 3 & under, it is not a consistent trend in our house.

Last night I spent a good hour cleaning up & organizing the play room---toy vegetables separated from toy fruits, legos in their bin, puzzles organized by type and size...you know, all the things a 3 year old and two 1 years find to be most important ;)

Then, this morning as I woke up to a clean, organized house I smiled & felt like all was right in the world.

{Judah didn't agree.}

When he saw the play room in all it's color-coded organized glory he was disgusted.

"What did you do, Mama?!" He said throwing his little arms up in protest.

He proceeded to tell me he had "a lot of work to do" and would I "please get him some breakfast?"

Groggy, half awake & still flying high from my rush of organization adrenaline I went to the kitchen to get my coffee started and some breakfast for the kids.

Judah was so quiet in the other room that I was easily distracted and got caught up in reading the Willy Street Co-Op Monthly that before I realized it my coffee was done, paper read & 30 minutes had passed.

I was startled out of my moment of quiet when I heard two little voices calling "Mama" from upstairs.

As I made my way through the dining room into the living room and around the corner I began to hear lots of clanking, the sound of wood & plastic making a crashing symphony from the play room.

Hmmm, Judah must be really enjoying the newly organized play room.

Oh, he was!

When I walked into the room I saw him hard at work destroying enjoying his play room.

Before I could let out an exasperated moan Judah had turned around with a huge, proud smile on his face pointing to the enormous mound of toys he was hauling and dumping into his tent.

"Look, Mama! Look what I MADE!"

Isn't perspective funny?

I saw a giant mess, all my hard work for nothing. He saw an opportunity, a chance to make something that mattered.

What I wanted to say was, "Why?! Why did you have to make such a huge mess after I just cleaned this all up?"

But the look on his sweet face, the joy that poured from his eyes was enough to make me see that he didn't just make a mess....he made something. 

So, instead I asked, "what did you make?"

He was thrilled to explain that he had made a "beautiful tower" for me, so that we could "climb to the top and fly!" Hands on his hips, he looked to me asking with his eyes, Mama, are you proud of me, do you like it?

My heart melted. I snapped out of my selfish desire for organized wooden produce and saw that my son was thinking about me, he was thinking about creating beauty, bringing joy to another person.

What a sweet blessing he is, yet again reminding me that life is not about doing it is about creating, enjoying, giving. It is about finding opportunities to add to the beauty, to join with God to create something that brings joy and gives life.

As a mom I tend to get so wrapped up in all my things that "need to get done" that I forget I don't serve a God who does, but a God who IS. A God who creates, who gives, who loves. I forget that is what he wants me to do too. I am so thankful that He allows me to learn through those so fresh from his hands, from my sweet little sons that still live to bring beauty and create things that matter, that live to just be and not do.

 I pray that I can start to see more daily the things our lives are making and not just what we are doing or not doing, to see life through their eyes, through His eyes and not my own.

Because, in the words of Sarah Groves " I just want to add to the beauty, to tell a better story." I want to create something beautiful with this life, with my family. Today, I am going to stop doing so much and ask "what can I make with today?"

Motherhood & Loneliness

With the holidays over and things a little {less} crazy around here I have been feeling lonely.

Loneliness, it is one of things that I never expected to come along with motherhood. I mean, I am ALWAYS with someone {albeit mostly people age 2 and under}. But, I just always feel alone to some extent.

I have been thinking about it a lot, reading blogs of other mothers & picking up books on this "struggle" of motherhood.

I just never imagined it to be so hard.

I have twins, yes. I have a 2 year old. But, this struggle I feel seems so universal among mothers who have 1, 2, 3 or 6 kids. My life is hard as a mother, but my struggle is the same. So many times I have thought it would be easier if I had only 1 kid or atleast not twins....but, I know it is not true, it is not my kids or your kids or how many we have, but it is simply the daunting day to day reality of simply be a  mom.

I have always wanted to be a mom. I know there are women out there who have dreamed of it their whole lives and then there are some who it happened to unexpectedly. But, I feel like no matter how you happened into being a mom, you just never really can be prepared for what the reality of this title means.

I feel like I am stumbling through this daily learning process, wondering why all the visions and ideas I had about being a mom seem so....distant & so hard to make a reality.

And in the midst of all this wondering about who you are as a mom, you wonder, who am I....who am I outside of being a mom?

We need help. We need each other. There is so much comparison, so much time spent feeling like you just can't get it "right."

I wish there was more support among moms for one another, especially the older generation for the younger. One thing I know I want to do when I have made it through these difficult days of my children being little, is to reach out and support moms who are where I am now.

We live such "connected" lives on Facebook and other social media, but we have never been more disconnected.

Fellow moms, lets be there for each other in our {real} lives. Reach out to another mom because she is probably feeling as lonely as you are. If your kids are older or even out of the house, reach out to a young/new mom, she needs you more than you know.

Being a mom can be lonely, but it doesn't have to be. No one can quite understand you like another mom. We need each other!


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When I heard about this spa weekend away of mentoring and fun from Sally Clarkson & Sarah Mae, I knew I had to try and win this getaway...I need it SO bad! If you know how I feel and would like to join me, let me know, because I can take one friend along if I win! :) I don't have an experienced mom who has reached out to me (and stayed there for me), so this really pulls at my heart.

http://desperatemom.com/spamentoring-weekend-with-sally-clarkson-sarah-mae/